This bitch might as well be called Alexis cos her scheming ass is just too much.
Milian? Girl really? Those 5 years on the Z-list did your torn out ass some good.
Engaged to the man who was recently named as the Vice President of the label that dropped you 5 years ago, how convenient, how fucking lovely.
But honey- because I know that some of your fellow D-listers read this, I want to just remind you that even if your pussy was tight with Caesar your album will stop flop.
It's not because I don't like you- its because you don't have fans.
I know that hurts, but you're not alone.
Well actually you are in a league of your own- you see whilst the rest of these other failures leave starring in movies that will go straight to DVD to Vivica Fox, you outdid yourself by starring in a movie which is going straight to DVD WITHOUT any real promotion.
A lot of these bitches couldn't see themselves out of a transparent bag.
Although I would like to discuss the current state of The League of Unextraordinary R'n'B skeezes but that shit's old to me, it really is especially since I've been reading Ashanti's autobiography, Aww Of My Life.
Upon reading Aww Of My Life, I realized how difficult it must be to have a dead career and accept it only for some dumb useless fans who cant take hint to ruin your efforts to abort your career by continuously posting "this bitch could outsing anybody anyday" messages on Youtube.
Below is an except from Aww Of My Life:
"In that video I felt so good and important and stuff, I had 100 niggers walking behind me at one time- I felt just like Karrine. Shit went down hill from there, my weave stroking and the backward thumb pointing days got old to the label and they lost interest in me. Like Whitney's pussy, my career had been fucked repeatedly with various gimmics and short term plans which resulted in my career being left so wide open that I just couldn't stop bad shit from getting inside of it.
I was as misdirected as Stevie Wonder on the way to the Optricians and tried to take control of my shit but it was running wild and uncontrollably. I just couldn't keep it all in my hands and had to let some other people take care of my shit because it was all too much for me to swallow, so I started dating Corn.
The sex was fantastic, so much so that there would still be cum trapped in my folds weeks after getting fucked, he was so derrty. I remember one time that I got dick downed so good that I wanted to buy him a short set, but I knew it was too good to be true, he was using me to try and become a power couple, but he didn't know how bad shit was for me, when I told him about my shit, he turned up his nose and said "Don't talk aboutcho shit to me when we eatin',".
I felt so alone and so I ate and ate and ate some more until I started shitting out curly fries, I put on so much weight that I couldn't even wear heels without striking oil."
Sunday 30 August 2009
Saturday 29 August 2009
MSF
Sales Representative: Hello and Welcome to the FlopShop, can I help you.
Mya: Oh yes- you can, I'm looking for a medium sized flop for sometime mid 2010.
Sales Representative: Any reason why?
Mya: Well i'm about to go on some show and will try and use the exposure from it to start trying to achieve shit again, so do you have a msf for me?
Sales Representative: Erm- I'll have to ask you a series of questions first.
Mya: Sure.
Sales Representative: Did your last record sell less units than Whoopi Goldberg could sell pussy?
Mya: Yes.
Sales Representative: Was the last time you received an award worth being happy about before Raz B was getting dickdowned by his cousin Chris Stokes?
Mya: Erm- yeah.
Sales Representative: And if your current career was a penis, would it be one of the following:
A)Be so small that when you jacked off it runs down your balls.
B) So small that it's actually a pussy.
C) So little that instead of handjobs you get finger jobs.
Mya: B- no no actually C.
Sales Representative: Great.
Mya: So can I get a medium sized flop?
Sales Rep: Sorry- Mariah has those all booked up.
Mya: What does Msf consist of anyway?
Sales Rep: A msf is when an artist has average first week sales of 200,000 units and then drops to around 50,000 in second week and then continues to decline but because they have singles in the top 10 they get away with the flop because the average Jose' The Plumber can't read sales and only bases what they think is succesful on what they see in the singles charts, however only relevant artists like Mariah and Madonna can get away with this although Mariah's first week sales are usually higher than 200,000.
Mya: Then why can't I have one.
Sales Rep: Because you have to have a fan base to shift 200,000 units, you couldn't even sell 40,000 when we were in a boom so what makes you think you could shift 200,000 in a recession, further more although your name will become a familiar one on the lips of the mainstream again because you'll be getting twisted and turned every week until they vote you out of Dancing With the HasBeens, the second people start to think of your achievements they'll notice they all occured almost a decade ago hence extending the knowledge of your flops further than Bossip and MTO and into TMZ and the like. You understand?
Mya: So i really can't have one? What can I have then?
Sales Rep: We are in contact with your label- we can request that they buy you out of your contract so you can sign to a management agency who will make sure you spend the rest of your life seatfilling at award shows and presenting one off shows like The Truth Behind Dora and Diego.
Mya: How much do you think my career is worth?
Sales Rep: We actually valued it earlier this week for you, we uploaded the results here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR9ee_rix00
Mya: Oh yes- you can, I'm looking for a medium sized flop for sometime mid 2010.
Sales Representative: Any reason why?
Mya: Well i'm about to go on some show and will try and use the exposure from it to start trying to achieve shit again, so do you have a msf for me?
Sales Representative: Erm- I'll have to ask you a series of questions first.
Mya: Sure.
Sales Representative: Did your last record sell less units than Whoopi Goldberg could sell pussy?
Mya: Yes.
Sales Representative: Was the last time you received an award worth being happy about before Raz B was getting dickdowned by his cousin Chris Stokes?
Mya: Erm- yeah.
Sales Representative: And if your current career was a penis, would it be one of the following:
A)Be so small that when you jacked off it runs down your balls.
B) So small that it's actually a pussy.
C) So little that instead of handjobs you get finger jobs.
Mya: B- no no actually C.
Sales Representative: Great.
Mya: So can I get a medium sized flop?
Sales Rep: Sorry- Mariah has those all booked up.
Mya: What does Msf consist of anyway?
Sales Rep: A msf is when an artist has average first week sales of 200,000 units and then drops to around 50,000 in second week and then continues to decline but because they have singles in the top 10 they get away with the flop because the average Jose' The Plumber can't read sales and only bases what they think is succesful on what they see in the singles charts, however only relevant artists like Mariah and Madonna can get away with this although Mariah's first week sales are usually higher than 200,000.
Mya: Then why can't I have one.
Sales Rep: Because you have to have a fan base to shift 200,000 units, you couldn't even sell 40,000 when we were in a boom so what makes you think you could shift 200,000 in a recession, further more although your name will become a familiar one on the lips of the mainstream again because you'll be getting twisted and turned every week until they vote you out of Dancing With the HasBeens, the second people start to think of your achievements they'll notice they all occured almost a decade ago hence extending the knowledge of your flops further than Bossip and MTO and into TMZ and the like. You understand?
Mya: So i really can't have one? What can I have then?
Sales Rep: We are in contact with your label- we can request that they buy you out of your contract so you can sign to a management agency who will make sure you spend the rest of your life seatfilling at award shows and presenting one off shows like The Truth Behind Dora and Diego.
Mya: How much do you think my career is worth?
Sales Rep: We actually valued it earlier this week for you, we uploaded the results here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR9ee_rix00
Thursday 27 August 2009
Your vision cloudy if you think you best- can't sing-used to dance and then exposed your sagging breast
Damita.
Oh Damita.
Where foreart thou dignity Damita?
Since all those flop singles, the flop movies, the getting dropped by labels and all the "boycotts" of Miss Damita haven't taught her anything, I have taken it upon my hating ass self to explain to Damita what has happened to her career using this story that my Gran'ma Bertha Jean told me on my 4th birthday.
Analogy 1:
There's a porn star called Puss In Boots, she's a bad bitch, she can do everything but is shit at giving orals but that's ok because she's so good at everything else. Puss In Boots is fantastic, she does porn for the art and that translates into her performances but as time goes by Puss In Boots forgot about the art and it became all about the sex which then made her no different from all the other dirty sluts that in the past could never compete with her. Her contemporary Felicia Follatio is also a bad bitch, but she isn't quite good at anything but because of good direction she becomes more respected, after some time a bitch comes along who is good at everything- orals, backshots, deepthroating, DP- you name it she kills it, this bitches head game was so tight she could even make a late nigger cum on time. People began to see that Puss In Boots's pussy was beginning to sag even worse than her tits were and since the shit she was releasing had lost any integrity and quality she had in the past, she saw no problem in exposing her sagging breast to an audience of millions, the worst part about this was is that this overshadowed the fact that it was one of her best performances AND that the hand that pulled the material that exposed the teta was a white hand.
So this white hand will forever the symbol of what began the trainwreck which is now Janet Jackson's career.
It wasn't no malfunction- the breastpiece was designed to be pulled off- which is it why it was removable, nobody's stupid Janet- well except your dumb ass family who still can't see that your brother was a junkie. Fool.
Lack of fan support is the reason for Janet's demise.
Even IF MTV blacklisted Janet and radio refused to play she shit, her fans KNEW VERY WELL she had records out and DID NOT bother to buy them and then get mad at the fans of other far more talented women for actually buying the shit that artists puts out.
Now you may think I'm just hating on Janet because her family didn't ask Beyonce' to perform sections of her I AM Tour at the Michael Jackson Memorial Shit, but i genuinely at one point used to stan for Janet, one time I tried to do that chair thing she does in that video and ended up knocking Uncle Rosalinda out cold.
Now I want to talk about B.Scott:
Being a straight gal myself with a lot of down low and straight friends- I find it amazing when my straight friends admit that they would hit B.Scott if he offered them the chance, but then again B.Scott is hot and I found myself having a weird crush on him, notg because he's sexy and fierce and reminds me of Uncle Esmerelda (who is currently undergoing her final operation to have her cock removed, so put her in your prayers) but because B.Scott is the ONLY intelligent Youtuber I've seen.
B.Scott has a clear and educated way of expressing his opinion, whether calm or mad, right or wrong because he actually went to college. Although I adore Qaadir- when he made that comment about "men are physically stronger than women" when discussing the Chris Brown went all Mighty Morphin Power Ranger of Robyn F it proved to me that Qaadir is not particularly intelligent but extremely funny and a warm and seemingly nice person.
Skorpion still thinks the reccesion are to blame for the RockWit U's tours flop and Brian is too hot and sexy to actually listen to what he's saying.
B.Scott's words of encouragement are really what WE all need to start our day with because he opens up about the things that affect us all, prejudice, racism, sexism, homophobia and for those reasons I really want all of you to please check him out on Youtube right after you check out Jay Z's new bitch.
I am pleased to tell you that I have discovered the name of Jay Z's new signing, her name is (drum roll please):
Rita Ora.
Youtube her to check out her past work, she looks to me like an undiscovered hybridized version of Milian, Sasha, Tyra. In other words the bitch is hot.
Oh Damita.
Where foreart thou dignity Damita?
Since all those flop singles, the flop movies, the getting dropped by labels and all the "boycotts" of Miss Damita haven't taught her anything, I have taken it upon my hating ass self to explain to Damita what has happened to her career using this story that my Gran'ma Bertha Jean told me on my 4th birthday.
Analogy 1:
There's a porn star called Puss In Boots, she's a bad bitch, she can do everything but is shit at giving orals but that's ok because she's so good at everything else. Puss In Boots is fantastic, she does porn for the art and that translates into her performances but as time goes by Puss In Boots forgot about the art and it became all about the sex which then made her no different from all the other dirty sluts that in the past could never compete with her. Her contemporary Felicia Follatio is also a bad bitch, but she isn't quite good at anything but because of good direction she becomes more respected, after some time a bitch comes along who is good at everything- orals, backshots, deepthroating, DP- you name it she kills it, this bitches head game was so tight she could even make a late nigger cum on time. People began to see that Puss In Boots's pussy was beginning to sag even worse than her tits were and since the shit she was releasing had lost any integrity and quality she had in the past, she saw no problem in exposing her sagging breast to an audience of millions, the worst part about this was is that this overshadowed the fact that it was one of her best performances AND that the hand that pulled the material that exposed the teta was a white hand.
So this white hand will forever the symbol of what began the trainwreck which is now Janet Jackson's career.
It wasn't no malfunction- the breastpiece was designed to be pulled off- which is it why it was removable, nobody's stupid Janet- well except your dumb ass family who still can't see that your brother was a junkie. Fool.
Lack of fan support is the reason for Janet's demise.
Even IF MTV blacklisted Janet and radio refused to play she shit, her fans KNEW VERY WELL she had records out and DID NOT bother to buy them and then get mad at the fans of other far more talented women for actually buying the shit that artists puts out.
Now you may think I'm just hating on Janet because her family didn't ask Beyonce' to perform sections of her I AM Tour at the Michael Jackson Memorial Shit, but i genuinely at one point used to stan for Janet, one time I tried to do that chair thing she does in that video and ended up knocking Uncle Rosalinda out cold.
Now I want to talk about B.Scott:
Being a straight gal myself with a lot of down low and straight friends- I find it amazing when my straight friends admit that they would hit B.Scott if he offered them the chance, but then again B.Scott is hot and I found myself having a weird crush on him, notg because he's sexy and fierce and reminds me of Uncle Esmerelda (who is currently undergoing her final operation to have her cock removed, so put her in your prayers) but because B.Scott is the ONLY intelligent Youtuber I've seen.
B.Scott has a clear and educated way of expressing his opinion, whether calm or mad, right or wrong because he actually went to college. Although I adore Qaadir- when he made that comment about "men are physically stronger than women" when discussing the Chris Brown went all Mighty Morphin Power Ranger of Robyn F it proved to me that Qaadir is not particularly intelligent but extremely funny and a warm and seemingly nice person.
Skorpion still thinks the reccesion are to blame for the RockWit U's tours flop and Brian is too hot and sexy to actually listen to what he's saying.
B.Scott's words of encouragement are really what WE all need to start our day with because he opens up about the things that affect us all, prejudice, racism, sexism, homophobia and for those reasons I really want all of you to please check him out on Youtube right after you check out Jay Z's new bitch.
I am pleased to tell you that I have discovered the name of Jay Z's new signing, her name is (drum roll please):
Rita Ora.
Youtube her to check out her past work, she looks to me like an undiscovered hybridized version of Milian, Sasha, Tyra. In other words the bitch is hot.
Friday 21 August 2009
I'm a Hater
I am acknowledging that I am a hater.
I hate on people.
I tend to kick D-List artists when they're down.
These d-list artists sometimes pose as anonymous avatars and leave hurtful comments in the message board.
They say I'm not funny. That hurts. Because the name of this blog is totally The Funny Whore and like because I'm not funny how can my blog be called The Funny Whore, how can it?
In my opinion I'm a hater because I think that people who yell "pervet!" at the paedophile on America's Most Wanted and then turn around and jive to Pretty Young Thing are stupid.
I'm a hater because whilst some Beyonce' stans find pleasure in reminding people of how untalented Rihanna is compared to Beyonce', I simply point out that everyone is untalented compared to Beyonce' and picking on Rihanna for actually being relevant is stupid especially when you are a claiming to be a Beyonce' fan because as a Beyonce' fan you can be safe and secure in the fact that God is too busy giving Superhead the side eye to work outhow he's going to create another being on The Wigged One's level.
I'm stupid because I paid to see Alicia Keys sit behind a piano for two hours when she came to my city and stupid for believing she had standards only to find that she is nothing more than a piano playing cum swallowing husband snatching gutter trollop.
I'm stupid for expecting Solange to be able to keep up her "I'm so afrocentric" facade.
I'm stupid for promoting this blog on blogs where the commenters "lmao" involunatarily as soon as they see that the author of that blog has updated the blog.
I'm also stupid for not being able to ignore the fact that we as a society choose whether or not we believe whether a child who claims to have been molested is lying or not according to who the child is claiming molested them.
Now I'll tell you why you're stupid:
You're stupid for saying "he was just naive to think that sleeping in the bed with those kids was cool, that's all" and then turn around and say "He was a creative genius."
Creativity and Naivety can never work side by side because to be creative means to chop, dissect and analyse every single thought and act on it, which is the complete opposite of being naive.
Naive people aren't intelligent people. Mr. Jackson was an intelligent man. Intelligent enough to know that he was indeed behaving in a disgusting manner with those kids.
But you don't care about that.
His music was good and so that's all that matters.
He was great on stage and so nothing else really counts.
He paid for my pet iguana to go to fashion school so he couldn't have done those things.
You don't have to like what I say.
You don't have to read this blog. But you do.
So from now on here's what I do:
In a few days I'm going to comment on Omarion being dropped from Cash Money less than a week after him being signed there was announced- now you've been warned- so if you know Omarion personally or have at any point sucked, blown, bitten or been dumped on by Omarion please ignore that post.
In that same post I will comment on how filthy I think Chris Stokes is.
I might then talk about your mother.
Your sister.
Your labia and your genital warts personal stylist.
All because I can.
All because this is my blog.
Here is an entire list of people who I will mock, ridicule and heckle at in the following weeks:
1. Janet Jackson.
2. Joe "Night Owl" Jackson.
3. Soulja Boy.
4. Bow Wow.
5. Solange "Does My Ass Look Individual In This" Knowles.
6. Rihanna (i'm assuming she'll be doing that Run This Town song at the VMAs- so there'll be lots to heckle at.)
7. Britney Spears (the woman not the icon.)
8. Paula Abdul.
9. Marques Houston
10. Brandy.
11. "current number 18 of r'n'b bubbling way under charts."
12. "current star of movie that went straight to dvd"
13. Mariah Carey.
Yours Tangiest
The Pop Whore
I hate on people.
I tend to kick D-List artists when they're down.
These d-list artists sometimes pose as anonymous avatars and leave hurtful comments in the message board.
They say I'm not funny. That hurts. Because the name of this blog is totally The Funny Whore and like because I'm not funny how can my blog be called The Funny Whore, how can it?
In my opinion I'm a hater because I think that people who yell "pervet!" at the paedophile on America's Most Wanted and then turn around and jive to Pretty Young Thing are stupid.
I'm a hater because whilst some Beyonce' stans find pleasure in reminding people of how untalented Rihanna is compared to Beyonce', I simply point out that everyone is untalented compared to Beyonce' and picking on Rihanna for actually being relevant is stupid especially when you are a claiming to be a Beyonce' fan because as a Beyonce' fan you can be safe and secure in the fact that God is too busy giving Superhead the side eye to work outhow he's going to create another being on The Wigged One's level.
I'm stupid because I paid to see Alicia Keys sit behind a piano for two hours when she came to my city and stupid for believing she had standards only to find that she is nothing more than a piano playing cum swallowing husband snatching gutter trollop.
I'm stupid for expecting Solange to be able to keep up her "I'm so afrocentric" facade.
I'm stupid for promoting this blog on blogs where the commenters "lmao" involunatarily as soon as they see that the author of that blog has updated the blog.
I'm also stupid for not being able to ignore the fact that we as a society choose whether or not we believe whether a child who claims to have been molested is lying or not according to who the child is claiming molested them.
Now I'll tell you why you're stupid:
You're stupid for saying "he was just naive to think that sleeping in the bed with those kids was cool, that's all" and then turn around and say "He was a creative genius."
Creativity and Naivety can never work side by side because to be creative means to chop, dissect and analyse every single thought and act on it, which is the complete opposite of being naive.
Naive people aren't intelligent people. Mr. Jackson was an intelligent man. Intelligent enough to know that he was indeed behaving in a disgusting manner with those kids.
But you don't care about that.
His music was good and so that's all that matters.
He was great on stage and so nothing else really counts.
He paid for my pet iguana to go to fashion school so he couldn't have done those things.
You don't have to like what I say.
You don't have to read this blog. But you do.
So from now on here's what I do:
In a few days I'm going to comment on Omarion being dropped from Cash Money less than a week after him being signed there was announced- now you've been warned- so if you know Omarion personally or have at any point sucked, blown, bitten or been dumped on by Omarion please ignore that post.
In that same post I will comment on how filthy I think Chris Stokes is.
I might then talk about your mother.
Your sister.
Your labia and your genital warts personal stylist.
All because I can.
All because this is my blog.
Here is an entire list of people who I will mock, ridicule and heckle at in the following weeks:
1. Janet Jackson.
2. Joe "Night Owl" Jackson.
3. Soulja Boy.
4. Bow Wow.
5. Solange "Does My Ass Look Individual In This" Knowles.
6. Rihanna (i'm assuming she'll be doing that Run This Town song at the VMAs- so there'll be lots to heckle at.)
7. Britney Spears (the woman not the icon.)
8. Paula Abdul.
9. Marques Houston
10. Brandy.
11. "current number 18 of r'n'b bubbling way under charts."
12. "current star of movie that went straight to dvd"
13. Mariah Carey.
Yours Tangiest
The Pop Whore
Wednesday 19 August 2009
Fuck The Cash, Fuck The Money, Y'all won't be earning shit
So Bow Wow, Omarion and a few others have signed to Cash Money.
If you're one of the others, count yourself lucky that I do not know you by name or face, dick or pussy.
If I do know your name, then I'm going to do this without cursing.
Here I go:
If people knew you had an album out, which they always do (thanks to the likes of Miss Info, Concrete Loop, Media Take Out and the like) and these people do not buy the album, the only person you can blame is yourself, because that means there is something unappealing about you as a commercial artist, that doesn't mean you don't make great music, it just means that you shouldn't be signed.
If signing to a new label was the answer to every flop's problems, then Janet would still be an Icon and Kelly Rowland wouldn't be stuck in Europe. People will not suddenly rush out and buy your record simply because the label at the back of the CD case has changed, because to them you are still the same irrelevant idiot they dismissed last year.
So Bow Wow- your last record had opening first week sales of 20,000 units. Mya's laughing at you. Rick Ross is laughing at you. Kat Deluna just pissed herself.
Signing to a new label won't change the fact that rapping is not for you in the same way Oreos are not for Whitney (anybody alive when The Soul Train awards meant something will know what I meant by that).
Bow Wow- you're a beautiful boy- audition for a part in show like Dirty Sexy Money, you were great in Ugly Betty and in Entourage- you've got that Negro Preppy look about you- and when it works it really works, so do that, because your new record is just like a fat bitch running the marathon, no matter how hard it tries its destined for failure.
In my opinion- there seems to be a clear link between music's most delusional artists.
Ciara- LA Face- La Reid- Mariah- Quasi Modo/Janet- Bow Wow- Omarion's booty- Chris Stokes tongue.
(note: I love LA Reid- please don't fire me.)
Bow Wow has always tried to be taken seriously as a rapper and so in his mind signing to the label ran by a rapper who is taken seriously will help his own career, but if association was the key to success, La Toya, Rebbie, Jermaine, JeMajesty, Jumanji and even Little Tito would all be Pop Icons too since they are related to the world's biggest Pop Icon.
Bow Wow should have stopped rapping the day he woke up to find hair in his ass- because that was when he lost his niche- at this point I'd rather be Lil Romeo who doesn't try at all than Bow Wow who keeps trying but continues to prove that Sandra Rose is not always wrong.
Omarion.
I'm going to give you some advice that I gave Robyn F back when she was deep throating sugar cane on that Island. Suck cock.
Right Now you've been sucking Bow Wow's cock and where did that get you.
Once you start sucking some Power Cock- that's when you'll start getting oppurtunities.
Once you start sucking Diddy's and Jig- (don't even think about) once you start sucking some Power Cock you'll get a decent deal and then you can work on some great Contemp'R'n'B tracks along the lines of Ice Box where the less talented and bratty sisters of Pop Icons will run and pose in dark settings in the videos which will be funded by the A&R whose balls you choked on because they don't want that shit getting out. Once you release those singles, they should chart well and so even when your record flops (which it will) nobody will really get at you all that much.
Now when it comes to Drake and that crotch photo:
When he gets your head and puts it next to his biracial disco stick is when him doing that has got anything to do with YOU. Until then- phrases like "he mus' be a faggot" only make you look ignorant because the guy and Drake were obviously just fooling around.
This is why so many black women are shocked to find their husbands come home from work smelling like Petroleum Jelly and Shit. YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN FUCKING SOMEONE WITH A NAME LIKE TAY TAY OR JELONTE'!
Unncecesary homophobia forces down low men to enter straight relationships but since they cannot resist the urge to get some of that tangy tongue- they end up cheating on their women with guys who can J-Sett quicker than Jonte' on crystal meth.
What Media Take Out needs to be doing is stop saying shit like "why is so and sos picture on a gay website" not realising that all that does is reveal that one of their editors had to be on that gay website for them to see the picture in the first place.
They need to apologise for claiming that Beyonce's tour flopped only for it to be named as the Number 1 Best Selling Tour In The Country. They need to stop trying to suggest that everybody is gay because here is a conversation I had with a friend of mine who is a friend of someone they once suggested was into tha booty.
Person X: Did you see what MTO said about Person Y.
Pop Whore: No I was too busy laughing at Christina Milian getting dropped- why what did they say?
Person X: They said Person Y was gay, he really wants to know why they said that, he really wants to get to the bottom of it.
Pop Whore: I'm sure he does.
If you're one of the others, count yourself lucky that I do not know you by name or face, dick or pussy.
If I do know your name, then I'm going to do this without cursing.
Here I go:
If people knew you had an album out, which they always do (thanks to the likes of Miss Info, Concrete Loop, Media Take Out and the like) and these people do not buy the album, the only person you can blame is yourself, because that means there is something unappealing about you as a commercial artist, that doesn't mean you don't make great music, it just means that you shouldn't be signed.
If signing to a new label was the answer to every flop's problems, then Janet would still be an Icon and Kelly Rowland wouldn't be stuck in Europe. People will not suddenly rush out and buy your record simply because the label at the back of the CD case has changed, because to them you are still the same irrelevant idiot they dismissed last year.
So Bow Wow- your last record had opening first week sales of 20,000 units. Mya's laughing at you. Rick Ross is laughing at you. Kat Deluna just pissed herself.
Signing to a new label won't change the fact that rapping is not for you in the same way Oreos are not for Whitney (anybody alive when The Soul Train awards meant something will know what I meant by that).
Bow Wow- you're a beautiful boy- audition for a part in show like Dirty Sexy Money, you were great in Ugly Betty and in Entourage- you've got that Negro Preppy look about you- and when it works it really works, so do that, because your new record is just like a fat bitch running the marathon, no matter how hard it tries its destined for failure.
In my opinion- there seems to be a clear link between music's most delusional artists.
Ciara- LA Face- La Reid- Mariah- Quasi Modo/Janet- Bow Wow- Omarion's booty- Chris Stokes tongue.
(note: I love LA Reid- please don't fire me.)
Bow Wow has always tried to be taken seriously as a rapper and so in his mind signing to the label ran by a rapper who is taken seriously will help his own career, but if association was the key to success, La Toya, Rebbie, Jermaine, JeMajesty, Jumanji and even Little Tito would all be Pop Icons too since they are related to the world's biggest Pop Icon.
Bow Wow should have stopped rapping the day he woke up to find hair in his ass- because that was when he lost his niche- at this point I'd rather be Lil Romeo who doesn't try at all than Bow Wow who keeps trying but continues to prove that Sandra Rose is not always wrong.
Omarion.
I'm going to give you some advice that I gave Robyn F back when she was deep throating sugar cane on that Island. Suck cock.
Right Now you've been sucking Bow Wow's cock and where did that get you.
Once you start sucking some Power Cock- that's when you'll start getting oppurtunities.
Once you start sucking Diddy's and Jig- (don't even think about) once you start sucking some Power Cock you'll get a decent deal and then you can work on some great Contemp'R'n'B tracks along the lines of Ice Box where the less talented and bratty sisters of Pop Icons will run and pose in dark settings in the videos which will be funded by the A&R whose balls you choked on because they don't want that shit getting out. Once you release those singles, they should chart well and so even when your record flops (which it will) nobody will really get at you all that much.
Now when it comes to Drake and that crotch photo:
When he gets your head and puts it next to his biracial disco stick is when him doing that has got anything to do with YOU. Until then- phrases like "he mus' be a faggot" only make you look ignorant because the guy and Drake were obviously just fooling around.
This is why so many black women are shocked to find their husbands come home from work smelling like Petroleum Jelly and Shit. YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN FUCKING SOMEONE WITH A NAME LIKE TAY TAY OR JELONTE'!
Unncecesary homophobia forces down low men to enter straight relationships but since they cannot resist the urge to get some of that tangy tongue- they end up cheating on their women with guys who can J-Sett quicker than Jonte' on crystal meth.
What Media Take Out needs to be doing is stop saying shit like "why is so and sos picture on a gay website" not realising that all that does is reveal that one of their editors had to be on that gay website for them to see the picture in the first place.
They need to apologise for claiming that Beyonce's tour flopped only for it to be named as the Number 1 Best Selling Tour In The Country. They need to stop trying to suggest that everybody is gay because here is a conversation I had with a friend of mine who is a friend of someone they once suggested was into tha booty.
Person X: Did you see what MTO said about Person Y.
Pop Whore: No I was too busy laughing at Christina Milian getting dropped- why what did they say?
Person X: They said Person Y was gay, he really wants to know why they said that, he really wants to get to the bottom of it.
Pop Whore: I'm sure he does.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
I want to stan for somebody
In a world where a bitch can be the hottest shit in one decade and then a nul-in-voider in the other, it is no suprise to me that Mya will be Dancing With The Stars, because she herself is not a star, she will be dancing with one of the star dancers, just so we're clear about that.
Since all these irrelevants are flocking to reality tv like Wendy Williams to a Botox Needle, I think that its a shame that Ciara isn't doing the same.
Could you imagine Ciara on Dancing With The Stars? That bitch would be popping it, locking it, backflipping it and kicking it all the way to the finals and since she was fired from the Britney gig she has a lot of time on her hands when she's not trying to convince us that she's a mainstream artist with mainstream relevance.
There should be a new show- called The Relevant Factor, here's how it will work:
10 irrelevant and outdated female artists will enter a house and must complete a sequence of challenges and tasks in order to win the fan bases of their "competitors" and the budget that would have been spent on the ass backward records of their "competitors".
You see- this the only way these nul in void bitches have a chance at competing with Rihanna, I mean let's be real, even if you combined the fan bases of Brandy, Mya, Keri Hilson, Janet, T-Boz and Minty it couldn't even match half of Rihanna's because whether we like it or not, Rihanna is a bad bitch.
Yes her voice sounds like a goat getting assfucked by Kobe Bryant.
Yes she has little artistic credibility.
Yes she is more renowned for her personal appearance and yes the bitch is uneducated, but if it was easy to rack up countless top ten hits, a European Tour and profitable endorsements, YOUR favourite artist would be doing it to.
We need some more black bitches up in this shit- fierce black bitches who actually sell records instead of spending all their time on pirate radio stations engaged in banter with fat "radio hosts".
We need black bitches with singles on the top ten, movies in the box office, faces on Vogue and a hot body on a big stage.
What are we going to do when Beyonce' unfreezes Mr. Carter's sperm and inseminates herself with it- what do we do then, yeah I know we have The FemBots, but what happens when those bitches run out of battery.
Since all these irrelevants are flocking to reality tv like Wendy Williams to a Botox Needle, I think that its a shame that Ciara isn't doing the same.
Could you imagine Ciara on Dancing With The Stars? That bitch would be popping it, locking it, backflipping it and kicking it all the way to the finals and since she was fired from the Britney gig she has a lot of time on her hands when she's not trying to convince us that she's a mainstream artist with mainstream relevance.
There should be a new show- called The Relevant Factor, here's how it will work:
10 irrelevant and outdated female artists will enter a house and must complete a sequence of challenges and tasks in order to win the fan bases of their "competitors" and the budget that would have been spent on the ass backward records of their "competitors".
You see- this the only way these nul in void bitches have a chance at competing with Rihanna, I mean let's be real, even if you combined the fan bases of Brandy, Mya, Keri Hilson, Janet, T-Boz and Minty it couldn't even match half of Rihanna's because whether we like it or not, Rihanna is a bad bitch.
Yes her voice sounds like a goat getting assfucked by Kobe Bryant.
Yes she has little artistic credibility.
Yes she is more renowned for her personal appearance and yes the bitch is uneducated, but if it was easy to rack up countless top ten hits, a European Tour and profitable endorsements, YOUR favourite artist would be doing it to.
We need some more black bitches up in this shit- fierce black bitches who actually sell records instead of spending all their time on pirate radio stations engaged in banter with fat "radio hosts".
We need black bitches with singles on the top ten, movies in the box office, faces on Vogue and a hot body on a big stage.
What are we going to do when Beyonce' unfreezes Mr. Carter's sperm and inseminates herself with it- what do we do then, yeah I know we have The FemBots, but what happens when those bitches run out of battery.
Dear Mr. A&R
Please do your job. Please stop signing cheaper variations of artists that already exist and be suprised when those artists sell less records than Marilyn Manson could sell Holy Water. If you did your job you'd find that your life would be happier- sitting behind your computer hoping the next Beyonce' is going to fall into your laps go out and look for her (you won't find her) but go out and look for a bitch who actually has potential to be an icon after a decade, please. I'm so tired of having to sigh and predict how bad the new artists that you and your colleagues since will sell. I want to be afraid of new artists, I want those bitches to be mysterious, I want to be sick of them, I want to be able to wake up and get out of the bed which they designed, then get in the shower and use the shower gel which they endorse and then spray the fragrance that they created and then get dressed in their clothing line, call my friends with the phone that endorses them and then get into the car and go and see one of their movies.
I know this costs money, but if you signed artists with mystery and who released quality music people would buy their records. Fans want to buy into a lifestyle, they want to feel as though there is a seperation between their favourite artist and themselves, but how can they do that when they can talk to their favourite artist on Twitter. I want to overanalyse their simple lyrics and think of a backstory for every single performance they put on.
Please sign a bad bitch.
Develope her.
Upgrade her.
Then release her.
Sign some more bad bitches so that there is REAL competition on the charts, we need a League Of Fierce Pop Bitches to stan for, to curse out and to spend all our money on.
Then drop all the money wasters.
How much did you spend on all of Keri Hilson's videos and where did they chart? Her biggest charting single only did the way it did because it had Kanye and Neyo in it, what would have happened if they weren't in it, huh?
How much did you spend on Ciara's shit- and how much did you make back from it? Drop her!
How much did you spend on that DeBarge hoe, how much did you make back from it? END THE CONTRACT.
I'm not a hater, but i'm lonely, I know Beyonce' is going to go on "vacation" for a year and a half and in that time what am I going to do, talk about Britney all day long? Follow Rihanna's latest haircut on Media Take Out? Laugh at Bow Wow for thinking signing to a new label will do anything for him?
I can't- I just can't?
Until I'm forced to do all that- I'll just watch this on repeat:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_UiIW0HsRM
Monday 17 August 2009
This bitch is going through changes on the ass
The only performances I shall be watching are going to be Lady Gaga's and Sasha's- when those are done I will then turn off my tv, plug in my voi-brayter and get busy.
I don't want to see Britney lip synch an acceptance speech for an award she does not deserve.
I don't want to see Rihanna strike a pose in the audience as soon as she realizes that the camera has panned onto her.
I don't want to see Solange pretend as though she was actually invited to the show as she sits next to Jay Z whilst Beyonce' collects her award wondering if BeJayJay will forget to make her their Plus 1 the second Jay Z's new bitch steps on the scene.
In my eyes, Solange is a fake.
I used to love her, I even bought her record and loved it because it is a very good record filled with Neo Soul/Electro tracks but you wouldn't know that from Solange's countless interviews where she kept trying to remind us of how different she and The Wigged One were.
I bought into it.
I believed it.
I popped it, twerked it and reversed it.
But then I saw something which shocked my spirit, Solange in a L'oreal campaign, Solange modelling bags alongside The Wigged One.
Now- as much as I detest Big Bird (Keri Hilson) her record had higher first week sales than Solange, but you didn't see Keri on Tyra did you? That's because she's not Beyonce's sister. Whilst Solange might pretend as though she has a record deal because of her own merit- she must be pretty stupid not to realise that the only reason anybody paid attention was because of who her sister was.
Would L'oreal even acknowledge Solange's existance if she wasn't Sasha's kid sister- of course not. Solange is so wrapped up in her own self-belief that she doesn't realise how hyprocritical she looks by saying "We're nothing alike, and we have different goals" but then take advantage of Sasha's commercial appeal, if you're "nothing alike" and "have different goals" then don't star in ad campaigns with her then.
It seems to me that when it suits Solange she is a Knowles and then when it works to her disadvantage she wants to play the "stop comparing me to her" card.
If anybody else had Solange's sales- they'd be scraping the shit out of public toilet by now, even her latest singles charted poorly yet this bitch is still on mainstream television getting interviewed by the best of them. We all know why and I think Solange should just accept it because she is talented and part of the reason her record sold the way it did because her album content was never truly promoted, instead she spent all her promotion discussing how "individual" she was.
SolAngel and The Hadley Street Dreams is indeed a fantastic record- but it's pretty unconvincing coming from a woman who is unsure whether she wants to be a major pop star or a unique entity with a record deal.
I also spoke of Jay Z's new bitch, a source of a source has filled me in on the fact that Jay Z has signed a EuroPop bitch who has already finished recording her record, not that Rihanna has got anything to worried about but let's just hope this new bitch doesn't end up the same way Tearra Marie and Meagan Rochelle did. I think it's great Jay Z is signing new artists that we all know will have success, Rihanna and Neyo are still around and ruling the Pop Star circle and so I really hope this new girl does also.
I don't want to see Britney lip synch an acceptance speech for an award she does not deserve.
I don't want to see Rihanna strike a pose in the audience as soon as she realizes that the camera has panned onto her.
I don't want to see Solange pretend as though she was actually invited to the show as she sits next to Jay Z whilst Beyonce' collects her award wondering if BeJayJay will forget to make her their Plus 1 the second Jay Z's new bitch steps on the scene.
In my eyes, Solange is a fake.
I used to love her, I even bought her record and loved it because it is a very good record filled with Neo Soul/Electro tracks but you wouldn't know that from Solange's countless interviews where she kept trying to remind us of how different she and The Wigged One were.
I bought into it.
I believed it.
I popped it, twerked it and reversed it.
But then I saw something which shocked my spirit, Solange in a L'oreal campaign, Solange modelling bags alongside The Wigged One.
Now- as much as I detest Big Bird (Keri Hilson) her record had higher first week sales than Solange, but you didn't see Keri on Tyra did you? That's because she's not Beyonce's sister. Whilst Solange might pretend as though she has a record deal because of her own merit- she must be pretty stupid not to realise that the only reason anybody paid attention was because of who her sister was.
Would L'oreal even acknowledge Solange's existance if she wasn't Sasha's kid sister- of course not. Solange is so wrapped up in her own self-belief that she doesn't realise how hyprocritical she looks by saying "We're nothing alike, and we have different goals" but then take advantage of Sasha's commercial appeal, if you're "nothing alike" and "have different goals" then don't star in ad campaigns with her then.
It seems to me that when it suits Solange she is a Knowles and then when it works to her disadvantage she wants to play the "stop comparing me to her" card.
If anybody else had Solange's sales- they'd be scraping the shit out of public toilet by now, even her latest singles charted poorly yet this bitch is still on mainstream television getting interviewed by the best of them. We all know why and I think Solange should just accept it because she is talented and part of the reason her record sold the way it did because her album content was never truly promoted, instead she spent all her promotion discussing how "individual" she was.
SolAngel and The Hadley Street Dreams is indeed a fantastic record- but it's pretty unconvincing coming from a woman who is unsure whether she wants to be a major pop star or a unique entity with a record deal.
I also spoke of Jay Z's new bitch, a source of a source has filled me in on the fact that Jay Z has signed a EuroPop bitch who has already finished recording her record, not that Rihanna has got anything to worried about but let's just hope this new bitch doesn't end up the same way Tearra Marie and Meagan Rochelle did. I think it's great Jay Z is signing new artists that we all know will have success, Rihanna and Neyo are still around and ruling the Pop Star circle and so I really hope this new girl does also.
Saturday 15 August 2009
PTA
Ms. Butterscotch: Hello- you must be Tina, Daniel's grandmother.
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine and I am Juelz grandmother. If you don't know you better ask somebody.
Juelz: That's right gran'ma.
Ms.Buttersotch: Oh i see- well I'm so glad you could come- I thought his mother would be here- Juelz explained you have a busy schedule.
Miss Celestine: Solange is on Twitter but yes I do indeed have a busy sche-du-al,in fact before I came here I had to hunt down a rare breed of fox in my backgarden- The Dereon Winter Collection is approaching.
Ms.Butterscotch: Oh wow- well we've been learning about foxes in class haven't we Juelz.
Juelz: Bitch- don't try come at me with that sweety sweet sweet shit jus' cos my nana is here.
Ms.Butterscotch: Miss Celestine- this is what I wanted to discuss you- Dan-I mean Juelz' language- just today in class he asked a class member of the Chinese persuasion to "open his fucking eyes." (Miss. Celestine turns to Juelz.)
Miss Celestine: Pourquoi?
Juelz: She lyin'
Ms.Butterscotch: He also suggested this morning when he came in that he and I should go to the reading area for a PTA meeting whilst all the other children were having nap time.
Miss Celestine: What's wrong with PTA meetings?
Ms.Butterscotch: I overheard Daniel tell one of his fellow classmates that PTA stood for Penetrate That Anustacia.
Miss Celestine:Is it a crime that my grandson is a real man- huh- don't be hatin' cos Creole boys develop early. Listen- why don't we get to the important shit- how he's doing in class?
Ms.Butterscotch: Well- Juelz has a passion for Math- which he has improved in since last year- have you or anybody at home been working on it with him?
Miss Celestine: Oh yes- Juelz can work out sums like his name is Bernard Madoff- he even has his own little rhyme to help him with his timetable, do it for her Juelz- show her what you made up.
Juelz: (clears throat.)
2 times 2 is four- thats how many times I'm gonna kick down ya door.
3 times 3 is six- I got Ming Lee and Aoki in the crib turning out tricks.
4 times 4 is 8- somebody better tell Janet that her period is ten years late.
5 times 5 in ten- I roll ten blunts when I kick it in my Dora play pen.
6 times 6 is 9- Fuck Hilter cos y'all know that the Kampf is Meine.
Miss Butterscotch: Juelz- 6 times 6 is not 9.
Juelz: Bitch- I will stick this Barney the Dinosour action figure so far up you- your heartbeat will be the fucking theme tune. (Miss Celestine smiles.) I mean- all you do is cry and talk 'bout how much you love kids when you s'posed to be teachin' us about colors and shit.
Miss Celestine: Listen up Miss. Thang- my gran'son is a creative genius jus' like his mo-aunt, I want to know what Juelz is doing in Art.
Miss Butterscotch: Erm- art isn't in the syllabus- but Juelz has taken a keen interest in Biol-
Miss Celestine: STAP! just STAP! I didn't send my gran'baby to school to learn about how plants grow and shit- the only thing my gran'baby needs to know is how to reproduce- are you teaching them that?!
Miss Butterscotch: Well this is only kindergaten-
Miss Celestine: Stop with all that shit- your obviously trying to entice the children yourself- what kind of name is Miss.Butterscotch anyway- are you trying to give the children cavities? Are you?!and why are you wearing such a low cut top which makes your tetas look like two tennis ball at the bottom of a sling- bitch you need to hitch those tits up- gravity dun got to them.
Miss Butterscotch: Excuse Me?
Miss Celestine: You're excused- how dare you try and put it on my gran'baby- whatchu you tryna do Michael's job for him now he dead and buried- oh hell naw! oh hell to the naw! Bitch I'm reporting your ass to the school board.
Miss Butterscotch: For what?
Miss Celestine: Gross Misconduct- those shoes are making me throw up in my mouth. (Miss Celestine and Juelz then leave, not before Juelz points makes the Nazi salute at Miss Butterscotch, as Miss Celestine and Juelz leave the building- they see Rihanna picking up her dog (Shontelle) from school.) Juelz get in the car- I got to speak to this bitch. (Juelz winks at Rihanna and hops into his safety chair and rolls down the window.)
Rihanna: Miss Celestine.
Miss Celestine: Robyn. How you been- last time I saw you you looked like you were auditioning for What's Love Got To Do With Part 2.
Rihanna: I've been good- just working on my own fragrance line- I actually just finished shooting the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpHamlvwRx0
Miss Celestine: Eu Dou Trollope?
Rihanna: Why you fuckin bi-atch- dont make me get ragga on your bludkleet.
Miss Celestine: Bitch I will backhand you so hard, the Dereon logo will be forever imprinted in your cheek.
Rihanna: Me na fi scurred of you- me a knock down bigger bitches dan you back home.
Miss Celestine: Somebody call a fuckin translator- you better learn how to sell pussy in Iceland by the time I'm done witchu. (Rihanna pulls razor, Miss. Celestine pulls out Juelz' report card, Miss.ButterScotch pulls out thong from her ass.)
Miss Celestine: You might as well as call me The Texas Chain Saw Mascara cos I'm about slice you up like my name is Papa John's. (Just as Rihanna prepares to attack with her razor, Juelz jumps out of the car and smashes his bottle against the boot of the car, he points the bottle at Rihanna)
Juelz: You better take your dutty winin' pussy out of here quicker than I can say Swiper No Swipin' or else I'll slam this bottle so far down your mouth- you'll be pissing formula. (Rihanna puts down razor and slowly walks away, Juelz gives Miss Celestine a high five.)
Miss Celestine: You the best friend I ever had.
Juelz: Let's go home and prank call Cassie
Miss Celestine: You got her number?
Juelz: Uurbody got her number..
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine and I am Juelz grandmother. If you don't know you better ask somebody.
Juelz: That's right gran'ma.
Ms.Buttersotch: Oh i see- well I'm so glad you could come- I thought his mother would be here- Juelz explained you have a busy schedule.
Miss Celestine: Solange is on Twitter but yes I do indeed have a busy sche-du-al,in fact before I came here I had to hunt down a rare breed of fox in my backgarden- The Dereon Winter Collection is approaching.
Ms.Butterscotch: Oh wow- well we've been learning about foxes in class haven't we Juelz.
Juelz: Bitch- don't try come at me with that sweety sweet sweet shit jus' cos my nana is here.
Ms.Butterscotch: Miss Celestine- this is what I wanted to discuss you- Dan-I mean Juelz' language- just today in class he asked a class member of the Chinese persuasion to "open his fucking eyes." (Miss. Celestine turns to Juelz.)
Miss Celestine: Pourquoi?
Juelz: She lyin'
Ms.Butterscotch: He also suggested this morning when he came in that he and I should go to the reading area for a PTA meeting whilst all the other children were having nap time.
Miss Celestine: What's wrong with PTA meetings?
Ms.Butterscotch: I overheard Daniel tell one of his fellow classmates that PTA stood for Penetrate That Anustacia.
Miss Celestine:Is it a crime that my grandson is a real man- huh- don't be hatin' cos Creole boys develop early. Listen- why don't we get to the important shit- how he's doing in class?
Ms.Butterscotch: Well- Juelz has a passion for Math- which he has improved in since last year- have you or anybody at home been working on it with him?
Miss Celestine: Oh yes- Juelz can work out sums like his name is Bernard Madoff- he even has his own little rhyme to help him with his timetable, do it for her Juelz- show her what you made up.
Juelz: (clears throat.)
2 times 2 is four- thats how many times I'm gonna kick down ya door.
3 times 3 is six- I got Ming Lee and Aoki in the crib turning out tricks.
4 times 4 is 8- somebody better tell Janet that her period is ten years late.
5 times 5 in ten- I roll ten blunts when I kick it in my Dora play pen.
6 times 6 is 9- Fuck Hilter cos y'all know that the Kampf is Meine.
Miss Butterscotch: Juelz- 6 times 6 is not 9.
Juelz: Bitch- I will stick this Barney the Dinosour action figure so far up you- your heartbeat will be the fucking theme tune. (Miss Celestine smiles.) I mean- all you do is cry and talk 'bout how much you love kids when you s'posed to be teachin' us about colors and shit.
Miss Celestine: Listen up Miss. Thang- my gran'son is a creative genius jus' like his mo-aunt, I want to know what Juelz is doing in Art.
Miss Butterscotch: Erm- art isn't in the syllabus- but Juelz has taken a keen interest in Biol-
Miss Celestine: STAP! just STAP! I didn't send my gran'baby to school to learn about how plants grow and shit- the only thing my gran'baby needs to know is how to reproduce- are you teaching them that?!
Miss Butterscotch: Well this is only kindergaten-
Miss Celestine: Stop with all that shit- your obviously trying to entice the children yourself- what kind of name is Miss.Butterscotch anyway- are you trying to give the children cavities? Are you?!and why are you wearing such a low cut top which makes your tetas look like two tennis ball at the bottom of a sling- bitch you need to hitch those tits up- gravity dun got to them.
Miss Butterscotch: Excuse Me?
Miss Celestine: You're excused- how dare you try and put it on my gran'baby- whatchu you tryna do Michael's job for him now he dead and buried- oh hell naw! oh hell to the naw! Bitch I'm reporting your ass to the school board.
Miss Butterscotch: For what?
Miss Celestine: Gross Misconduct- those shoes are making me throw up in my mouth. (Miss Celestine and Juelz then leave, not before Juelz points makes the Nazi salute at Miss Butterscotch, as Miss Celestine and Juelz leave the building- they see Rihanna picking up her dog (Shontelle) from school.) Juelz get in the car- I got to speak to this bitch. (Juelz winks at Rihanna and hops into his safety chair and rolls down the window.)
Rihanna: Miss Celestine.
Miss Celestine: Robyn. How you been- last time I saw you you looked like you were auditioning for What's Love Got To Do With Part 2.
Rihanna: I've been good- just working on my own fragrance line- I actually just finished shooting the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpHamlvwRx0
Miss Celestine: Eu Dou Trollope?
Rihanna: Why you fuckin bi-atch- dont make me get ragga on your bludkleet.
Miss Celestine: Bitch I will backhand you so hard, the Dereon logo will be forever imprinted in your cheek.
Rihanna: Me na fi scurred of you- me a knock down bigger bitches dan you back home.
Miss Celestine: Somebody call a fuckin translator- you better learn how to sell pussy in Iceland by the time I'm done witchu. (Rihanna pulls razor, Miss. Celestine pulls out Juelz' report card, Miss.ButterScotch pulls out thong from her ass.)
Miss Celestine: You might as well as call me The Texas Chain Saw Mascara cos I'm about slice you up like my name is Papa John's. (Just as Rihanna prepares to attack with her razor, Juelz jumps out of the car and smashes his bottle against the boot of the car, he points the bottle at Rihanna)
Juelz: You better take your dutty winin' pussy out of here quicker than I can say Swiper No Swipin' or else I'll slam this bottle so far down your mouth- you'll be pissing formula. (Rihanna puts down razor and slowly walks away, Juelz gives Miss Celestine a high five.)
Miss Celestine: You the best friend I ever had.
Juelz: Let's go home and prank call Cassie
Miss Celestine: You got her number?
Juelz: Uurbody got her number..
Faggots
It's not your job to decide whether someone is gay or not. That's their job.
You don't go around spreading shit that they someone is gay or not. Get a real job.
And if someone is gay and they're giving you unwanted attention- you have the right to tell that person to fuck off and if they don't fuck off and actually touch you- you then have the right to get physical- because nobody has the right to touch your body without permission.
And if you are gay and don't want to be called gay- that is YOUR choice- however do not be deceiptful and do not use women as your beard unless you know you are going to abstain from homosexual fucking because that isn't fair on your wife.
Two young boys commited suicide because of the stereoptypes enforced in the black media. Two youngs boys commited suicide because some ignorant parents forgot to remind their kids to mind their own fucking business.
At age 11- who knows whether they are gay or not.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
The black media help to reinforce the ignorance that exists in the urban community when they suggest that anybody who doesn't wear black and whose clothes dont sag is gay and when they decide that its ok to hurl insults at the little guy who appeared alongside Beyonce' in that ad campaign.
You think anybody chooses to be feminine is such an ignorant society.
You think anybody would choose to be gay when they know what they know what the response would be.
Why would a black man decide to gay- isn't being discriminated because of his skin color enough torture.
I want to know that you are OBSESSED with somebody if you feel the need to scream "faggot" or "queer" to someone everytime you see them, you are OBSESSED with someone if you feel the need to spread rumours about a person whether they are gay or not.
If someone prefers cock to pussy- that is THEIR business.
You don't have to accept it- but you need to respect that person's decision as a human being to live that way.
If a man decides to rock a short skirt, a bikini and a The Beyonce Experience Gingery Brown lacefront and you don't like it- DON'T LOOK AT HIM. He didn't ask you to wear it with him.
Mind your business and worry about your life, instead of analysing what's wrong with somebody elses.
You may be wondering why The Pop Whore is getting all preacher on your ass- well I'll explain.
Yesterday- a dear friend of mine told me that they were gay and that their family knew about it because a family friend had seen him kissing another guy outside of his workplace.
So first of all- because I know that family "friend" reads this blog, I want you to know this:
1. Shut your fucking mouth.
2. Mind your fucking business.
3. Pay me back my fucking money from when I bought your son Baby Jamz for Christmas (I don't care if it was a gift- hand over the cash or your candy ass gets it.)
My friend then explained that when he got home from work, his entire family including his older uncles began to interrogate him, asking him how many guys he had fucked, if he had crushes on anybody and basically trying to embarrasing you and so my friend called me knowing that I wouldn't judge or ask questions, because he is my friend and I knew him before I knew myself- and him being gay doesnt change the fact that he has been supportive of me since the day I decided to start turning tricks at the senior citizens centre.
My friend is masculine.
He plays ball.
Fucks girls. Date Girls.
We even fucked once.
And he was gay.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
You don't go around spreading shit that they someone is gay or not. Get a real job.
And if someone is gay and they're giving you unwanted attention- you have the right to tell that person to fuck off and if they don't fuck off and actually touch you- you then have the right to get physical- because nobody has the right to touch your body without permission.
And if you are gay and don't want to be called gay- that is YOUR choice- however do not be deceiptful and do not use women as your beard unless you know you are going to abstain from homosexual fucking because that isn't fair on your wife.
Two young boys commited suicide because of the stereoptypes enforced in the black media. Two youngs boys commited suicide because some ignorant parents forgot to remind their kids to mind their own fucking business.
At age 11- who knows whether they are gay or not.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
The black media help to reinforce the ignorance that exists in the urban community when they suggest that anybody who doesn't wear black and whose clothes dont sag is gay and when they decide that its ok to hurl insults at the little guy who appeared alongside Beyonce' in that ad campaign.
You think anybody chooses to be feminine is such an ignorant society.
You think anybody would choose to be gay when they know what they know what the response would be.
Why would a black man decide to gay- isn't being discriminated because of his skin color enough torture.
I want to know that you are OBSESSED with somebody if you feel the need to scream "faggot" or "queer" to someone everytime you see them, you are OBSESSED with someone if you feel the need to spread rumours about a person whether they are gay or not.
If someone prefers cock to pussy- that is THEIR business.
You don't have to accept it- but you need to respect that person's decision as a human being to live that way.
If a man decides to rock a short skirt, a bikini and a The Beyonce Experience Gingery Brown lacefront and you don't like it- DON'T LOOK AT HIM. He didn't ask you to wear it with him.
Mind your business and worry about your life, instead of analysing what's wrong with somebody elses.
You may be wondering why The Pop Whore is getting all preacher on your ass- well I'll explain.
Yesterday- a dear friend of mine told me that they were gay and that their family knew about it because a family friend had seen him kissing another guy outside of his workplace.
So first of all- because I know that family "friend" reads this blog, I want you to know this:
1. Shut your fucking mouth.
2. Mind your fucking business.
3. Pay me back my fucking money from when I bought your son Baby Jamz for Christmas (I don't care if it was a gift- hand over the cash or your candy ass gets it.)
My friend then explained that when he got home from work, his entire family including his older uncles began to interrogate him, asking him how many guys he had fucked, if he had crushes on anybody and basically trying to embarrasing you and so my friend called me knowing that I wouldn't judge or ask questions, because he is my friend and I knew him before I knew myself- and him being gay doesnt change the fact that he has been supportive of me since the day I decided to start turning tricks at the senior citizens centre.
My friend is masculine.
He plays ball.
Fucks girls. Date Girls.
We even fucked once.
And he was gay.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
Friday 14 August 2009
More Than A Woman
If Aaliyah was alive, Beyonce would shit on her too. There- I said it.
Aaliyah's contemporaries:
Toni Braxton
TLC
Janet Jackson
Mariah Carey
Adinah Howard
Xscape
Boys 2 Men
Gs To Gents
Brandy
Whisky
Liquer
Where are any of these bitches now- the best of them can't walk down the street without being heckled at because of their non-existant sales, expanding waistlines, getting spunked or their obsession with whispering their "music".
So if Aaliyah was alive- what makes you think she'd be any match for Sasha.
Yes Aaliyah was the shit in the 90s and early Noughties but so was Janet.
Yes Aaliyah was renowned for her innovative videos and mainstream relevance- but so was Ci- I'm sorry.
I love me some Aaliyah too but let's not get carried away- each bitch has their time and one day I'm sure Mathew Knowles and Joe Jackson will finally release their hybridized artist who has Beyonce's vocal talent, vagina, performance skill and sanity fused with Michael's innovation (minus the kiddy fiddling) that will dethrone Beyonce' but until then it's important to realise this:
EVEN IF BEYONCE' RETIRED- PAPA SHAWN HAS ABOUT 11 NEW FAIR SKINNED-LIGHT HEADED MEDIOCORE FEMBOTS READY TO JOIN RIHANNA ON THE POP IT GIRL SCENE WHO WILL ALSO SHIT ON YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS.
And my dear Brooke:
1. Your album is gathering dust is on your father's shrivelled penis.
2. Your mother is choking on the cum of her tween boyfriend.
3. Your daddy is fucking a bitch identical to you.
4. You look like Malibu Beach Barbie on testosterone.
5. Get a security guard- if your ass is ever in Vegas you better hope me and my Uncle Rosalinda don't catch you- because if we do- we will take your bleached ass and use your skin for a fur coat- winter is approaching.
You are just lucky that I do not have own The How To Deal With Hyper Non Existant Bitches Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide, I only have The How To Deal with Irrelevant SongWriters Whose Records Bubble Hard On the Bubbling Under Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide. Because If I did I would make your ass a trending topic but since we Sasha fans have no experience on how to deal with dealing with non existant hoes like you- don't expect too much hassle.
Ps.
Could you ask your mom if she still wants to renew her membership on www. MilfFuck.com, she's always been such a good sport.
Aaliyah's contemporaries:
Toni Braxton
TLC
Janet Jackson
Mariah Carey
Adinah Howard
Xscape
Boys 2 Men
Gs To Gents
Brandy
Whisky
Liquer
Where are any of these bitches now- the best of them can't walk down the street without being heckled at because of their non-existant sales, expanding waistlines, getting spunked or their obsession with whispering their "music".
So if Aaliyah was alive- what makes you think she'd be any match for Sasha.
Yes Aaliyah was the shit in the 90s and early Noughties but so was Janet.
Yes Aaliyah was renowned for her innovative videos and mainstream relevance- but so was Ci- I'm sorry.
I love me some Aaliyah too but let's not get carried away- each bitch has their time and one day I'm sure Mathew Knowles and Joe Jackson will finally release their hybridized artist who has Beyonce's vocal talent, vagina, performance skill and sanity fused with Michael's innovation (minus the kiddy fiddling) that will dethrone Beyonce' but until then it's important to realise this:
EVEN IF BEYONCE' RETIRED- PAPA SHAWN HAS ABOUT 11 NEW FAIR SKINNED-LIGHT HEADED MEDIOCORE FEMBOTS READY TO JOIN RIHANNA ON THE POP IT GIRL SCENE WHO WILL ALSO SHIT ON YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS.
And my dear Brooke:
1. Your album is gathering dust is on your father's shrivelled penis.
2. Your mother is choking on the cum of her tween boyfriend.
3. Your daddy is fucking a bitch identical to you.
4. You look like Malibu Beach Barbie on testosterone.
5. Get a security guard- if your ass is ever in Vegas you better hope me and my Uncle Rosalinda don't catch you- because if we do- we will take your bleached ass and use your skin for a fur coat- winter is approaching.
You are just lucky that I do not have own The How To Deal With Hyper Non Existant Bitches Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide, I only have The How To Deal with Irrelevant SongWriters Whose Records Bubble Hard On the Bubbling Under Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide. Because If I did I would make your ass a trending topic but since we Sasha fans have no experience on how to deal with dealing with non existant hoes like you- don't expect too much hassle.
Ps.
Could you ask your mom if she still wants to renew her membership on www. MilfFuck.com, she's always been such a good sport.
Thursday 13 August 2009
The League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes part 2.
Dereon HeadQuarters Reception
Ashanti: Hello- I have an interview here today.
Receptionist Robberson: Please take a seat. Miss Celestine will be out to see you in a minute.
(The Beyonce' Experience Intro begins playing as Miss Celestine catwalks into the reception.)
Miss Celestine: LaTavia, call the farm and cancel my order of sixty horses, we'll just have to recycle Beyonce's dark wigs from '99 for Solange, this recession is a bitch.
Receptionist Robberson: Yes Ma'am.
Miss Celestine: And push your tetas up- we running a business up in this shit. Oh Ms....Douglas you here on time. I'm impressed, Follow me into my office. (The I AM. Tour Into begins playing as Ashanti follows Miss.Celestine into her office, Miss Celestine takes a seat)
Miss Celestine: Stand in the corner- so Ms. Douglas- why do you think I should hire you here at The Dereon HeadQuarters.
Ashanti: I'll be aways there when you call- I'm always on time. Erm- I'm efficient-
Miss Celestine: Do you have experience in prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: Sorry?
Miss Celestine: Whatchu got Nelly's cum blockin ya ear?! Do you have experience prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: No Ma'am. (Juelz enters.)
Juelz: Nana- I got Dora on the phone- she say she returning yo' call.
Miss Celestine: Boy pull your pants up and pass me the phone- ok Juelz continue this interview, whilst I take this call. (Miss Celestine exits, Juelz climbs up into Miss Celestine's seat.)
Juelz: So Ms.Douglas- if I call your funky ass if 3 in the morn and ask you to drive over here and pour some Liqour in my Barney cup, would you do it?
Ashanti: Erm yeah.
Juelz: And I asked you to put on Wendy William's voice and prank call Madox- would you do it?
Ashanti: Oh ok- yeah sure. (Ashanti begins to sweat.)
Juelz: Take off your shirt. Strip for may.
Ashanti: Oh no-I-I-I can't. (Juelz throws quarter at her)
Juelz: Bitch you want this job?! (Ashanti's sweat hits the floor, she begins to strip, Whistle While You Twerk begins to play as he throws Cheetos at her) BITCH I KNEW IT- YOU WIRED.
(Janet's house)
Janet: Ashanti abort mission. abort mission.
(Office)
Juelz: So you try run up in here and get all 007 on us, im about to go Ben 10 on your ass. (enter Miss. Celestine, Juelz throws himself to the floor.)
Miss Celestine: LAWDHAMMERCY! What the fuck you trying to do to my gran'baby- what are you- Michael ?! Oh imma show you what we do to perverts like you in H-Town.
Ashanti: God no!
Miss Celestine: Leave God out of this bitch. I'm about to turn your hairy ass into a fur coat. (just as Miss Celestine reaches for the razor, Ashanti leaps out of the window and runs) That little bitch- Juelz you ok? I'm going to fuck the League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes Up if it's the last thing I do.
TBC.
(Below is the phone call Miss. Celestine had with Dora)
Dora: Tina?
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine Beyince' to you.
Dora: Cut out the shit- why did you call? You still haven't returned Diego's cheetah
Miss Celestine: Yes the fuck I did- I sent it home to you- check 0.38 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWq3kobYOQk but that's not what I called.
Dora: If this is about me dating Daniel- then forget about it- I ain't doing it.
Miss Celestine: Why not- you fuck with everybody else
Dora: Shut the fuck up- no I do not.
Miss Celestine: You ain't know that I know bout you and Diego?
Dora: You dirty... he's my cousin?
Miss Celestine: Like Hell he is- listen bitch- Juelz needs a woman on his arm for when he promotes his debut record, It's Nap Time Nigger to elevate his thug image, and you the easiest bitch I can find.
Dora: Oh hell no- Conseguà una visita para poner junto, yo me puse tiempo conseguido para su mierda crujiente de talkin de asno a mÃ, ain't no manera que haré fechando su nieto.
Miss Celestine: So you want to get bilingual up in this shit?Date my grandson and or I'll call social services on your neglected ass, bitch you know you ain't got a green card which is why the only place you be exploring is Mex-fucking-Ico. Y'all bitches never learn- I AM A KNOWLES- w always get what we want and If you don't let Juelz take your ass to Red Lobster and let me send the photos to MTO, I will come to your house myself and fuck up your map- then how the fuck you gon' find shit. Weibchen.
Dora: Ok- Ok, I'll do it- but if I do- I need something in return.
Miss Celestine: Yes?
Dora: Deal with the bitch who wrote this:
http://www.quizilla.com/polls/10964101/who-would-win-in-a-slap-fight-spongebob-or-dora-the-explorer
Ashanti: Hello- I have an interview here today.
Receptionist Robberson: Please take a seat. Miss Celestine will be out to see you in a minute.
(The Beyonce' Experience Intro begins playing as Miss Celestine catwalks into the reception.)
Miss Celestine: LaTavia, call the farm and cancel my order of sixty horses, we'll just have to recycle Beyonce's dark wigs from '99 for Solange, this recession is a bitch.
Receptionist Robberson: Yes Ma'am.
Miss Celestine: And push your tetas up- we running a business up in this shit. Oh Ms....Douglas you here on time. I'm impressed, Follow me into my office. (The I AM. Tour Into begins playing as Ashanti follows Miss.Celestine into her office, Miss Celestine takes a seat)
Miss Celestine: Stand in the corner- so Ms. Douglas- why do you think I should hire you here at The Dereon HeadQuarters.
Ashanti: I'll be aways there when you call- I'm always on time. Erm- I'm efficient-
Miss Celestine: Do you have experience in prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: Sorry?
Miss Celestine: Whatchu got Nelly's cum blockin ya ear?! Do you have experience prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: No Ma'am. (Juelz enters.)
Juelz: Nana- I got Dora on the phone- she say she returning yo' call.
Miss Celestine: Boy pull your pants up and pass me the phone- ok Juelz continue this interview, whilst I take this call. (Miss Celestine exits, Juelz climbs up into Miss Celestine's seat.)
Juelz: So Ms.Douglas- if I call your funky ass if 3 in the morn and ask you to drive over here and pour some Liqour in my Barney cup, would you do it?
Ashanti: Erm yeah.
Juelz: And I asked you to put on Wendy William's voice and prank call Madox- would you do it?
Ashanti: Oh ok- yeah sure. (Ashanti begins to sweat.)
Juelz: Take off your shirt. Strip for may.
Ashanti: Oh no-I-I-I can't. (Juelz throws quarter at her)
Juelz: Bitch you want this job?! (Ashanti's sweat hits the floor, she begins to strip, Whistle While You Twerk begins to play as he throws Cheetos at her) BITCH I KNEW IT- YOU WIRED.
(Janet's house)
Janet: Ashanti abort mission. abort mission.
(Office)
Juelz: So you try run up in here and get all 007 on us, im about to go Ben 10 on your ass. (enter Miss. Celestine, Juelz throws himself to the floor.)
Miss Celestine: LAWDHAMMERCY! What the fuck you trying to do to my gran'baby- what are you- Michael ?! Oh imma show you what we do to perverts like you in H-Town.
Ashanti: God no!
Miss Celestine: Leave God out of this bitch. I'm about to turn your hairy ass into a fur coat. (just as Miss Celestine reaches for the razor, Ashanti leaps out of the window and runs) That little bitch- Juelz you ok? I'm going to fuck the League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes Up if it's the last thing I do.
TBC.
(Below is the phone call Miss. Celestine had with Dora)
Dora: Tina?
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine Beyince' to you.
Dora: Cut out the shit- why did you call? You still haven't returned Diego's cheetah
Miss Celestine: Yes the fuck I did- I sent it home to you- check 0.38 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWq3kobYOQk but that's not what I called.
Dora: If this is about me dating Daniel- then forget about it- I ain't doing it.
Miss Celestine: Why not- you fuck with everybody else
Dora: Shut the fuck up- no I do not.
Miss Celestine: You ain't know that I know bout you and Diego?
Dora: You dirty... he's my cousin?
Miss Celestine: Like Hell he is- listen bitch- Juelz needs a woman on his arm for when he promotes his debut record, It's Nap Time Nigger to elevate his thug image, and you the easiest bitch I can find.
Dora: Oh hell no- Conseguà una visita para poner junto, yo me puse tiempo conseguido para su mierda crujiente de talkin de asno a mÃ, ain't no manera que haré fechando su nieto.
Miss Celestine: So you want to get bilingual up in this shit?Date my grandson and or I'll call social services on your neglected ass, bitch you know you ain't got a green card which is why the only place you be exploring is Mex-fucking-Ico. Y'all bitches never learn- I AM A KNOWLES- w always get what we want and If you don't let Juelz take your ass to Red Lobster and let me send the photos to MTO, I will come to your house myself and fuck up your map- then how the fuck you gon' find shit. Weibchen.
Dora: Ok- Ok, I'll do it- but if I do- I need something in return.
Miss Celestine: Yes?
Dora: Deal with the bitch who wrote this:
http://www.quizilla.com/polls/10964101/who-would-win-in-a-slap-fight-spongebob-or-dora-the-explorer
Wednesday 12 August 2009
I AM.... GOING TO OUTSELL YOU
I don't usually like to post back to back, but I've been forced too.
Just because someone gets to number 1 doesn't mean their record was succesful because Chrisette Michelle was number 1 with around 89,000 units in her first week sales. Now- if you think that's succesful then I'd like to know what you think of Beyonce's 482,000 opening week sales for I AM.
When it comes to Janet fans, yes- Discipline was number 1 with 181,000 but what would have happened if Beyonce, Mariah, Alicia and Britney all released records in the same week as Janet. Huh?
I can't hear you?
No say it again?
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE MADE IT INTO THE TOP TEN.
I won't go into the politics behind Janet's embarrasing situation right now because that'd need to be a ten page report but I'll tell you this.
Whatchu Say- Not To Me- She ain't no icon.
She used to be when her music meant shit. When you felt empowered by stomping to Rhythm Nation or getting down to Pleasure Principle- now the bitch talks about sucking dick.
This new record she's planning to put out is going to shift less records than Brandy's record did and Im just curious to know what label are going to sign after she wasted Universal's Time after dissapointing Virgin.
Just because someone gets to number 1 doesn't mean their record was succesful because Chrisette Michelle was number 1 with around 89,000 units in her first week sales. Now- if you think that's succesful then I'd like to know what you think of Beyonce's 482,000 opening week sales for I AM.
When it comes to Janet fans, yes- Discipline was number 1 with 181,000 but what would have happened if Beyonce, Mariah, Alicia and Britney all released records in the same week as Janet. Huh?
I can't hear you?
No say it again?
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE MADE IT INTO THE TOP TEN.
I won't go into the politics behind Janet's embarrasing situation right now because that'd need to be a ten page report but I'll tell you this.
Whatchu Say- Not To Me- She ain't no icon.
She used to be when her music meant shit. When you felt empowered by stomping to Rhythm Nation or getting down to Pleasure Principle- now the bitch talks about sucking dick.
This new record she's planning to put out is going to shift less records than Brandy's record did and Im just curious to know what label are going to sign after she wasted Universal's Time after dissapointing Virgin.
The League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes part 1.
Janet: Are we all present?
Alicia: Girl do a roll call.
Janet: Ok so Keri's here, Mya's here, Brandy's in traffic, Miss Harris is...here,Ashanti's in the kitchen, Alicia-hey girl, is that all? Where's Michelle?
Alicia: She just found out that she actually has an album worth buying so she won't be joining us anymore.
Janet: Whatever- that just means more cake for us. So in our last meeting we discussed what to do when your Twitter account is bombarded with hate mail from fans of she who shall not be named.
LaToya: Beyonce?!
Ashanti: Yes (inhales) Beyonce'- but LaToya why are you here- you need to have been relevant at one point and then a flop another to be a part of this league- you've never even opened up for anybody- Ciara how's that going?
Janet: Ciara you don't have to answer that. Anyway so today I have something to announce, we are going to GET Celestine, Keri could you please explain what happened to you at the BET awards. (Keri Hilson rises.)
Keri: So after my ass backwards peformance where I tried my best to sing and dance at the same time but ended up looking like my pussy was having a heart attack- I ran backstage to get changed into my outfit- when I got there i found Miss Celestine sitting in my dressing room, her left arm under her chin and her right arm clutching a revolver.
Mya: Shit- what happened?
Keri: She said something in Creole and then said "You want to me to make your face a little bit more colorful bitch", I was so afraid, then she said "Talk shit about my picne again and I will stick this gun so far up your ass you'll be spitting out bullets." Then she hissed and then she left.
Janet: So as you can see, Miss Celestine is going on dangerous, I knew her way back when she was Sheila E's understudy. I'll never forget the day she rammed a ten inch stilleto up Appollonia's ass for not putting enough seasoning in her Fruit Loops- she has to be dealt with.
Alicia: Before we go on- are any of you married? (All shake heads.) Ok- please go on Damita.
Janet: Every Thursday Miss Tina, Miss Turner and Miss Jay go out for drinks at Club Vouz Le Vouz, I know this because Jermaine works the night shift there- so here's what we're going to do, we're going to roll up in Mya's Hummer....
Mya: Repossesed.
Janet: We're going to roll up in Alicia's Hummer and kindap Miss Celestine and hold her for ransom and demand that that bitch daughter of hers retires so we can get a chance to get into the charts (hopefully)
Ashanti: I don't think this is a good idea- Miss Tina don't fuck about- look what she had done to Robyn.
Keri: She paid Chris to do it? Why? Because she thinks Robyn's competition?
Ashanti: No. Because she has a hatred for all Carribeans, who you think shot Bob Marley.
Ciara: Bob Marley wasn't shot.
Ashanti: Shut the fuck up you dick swinging smut.
Janet: Now Now girls, let's not fight- Ashanti I see where you're coming from but something needs to be done, we need someone on the inside to get close to her.
Alicia: Whatchu Tolm Bout Jo?
Janet: We need to go undercover in The Wig Crypt.
TBC.
Alicia: Girl do a roll call.
Janet: Ok so Keri's here, Mya's here, Brandy's in traffic, Miss Harris is...here,Ashanti's in the kitchen, Alicia-hey girl, is that all? Where's Michelle?
Alicia: She just found out that she actually has an album worth buying so she won't be joining us anymore.
Janet: Whatever- that just means more cake for us. So in our last meeting we discussed what to do when your Twitter account is bombarded with hate mail from fans of she who shall not be named.
LaToya: Beyonce?!
Ashanti: Yes (inhales) Beyonce'- but LaToya why are you here- you need to have been relevant at one point and then a flop another to be a part of this league- you've never even opened up for anybody- Ciara how's that going?
Janet: Ciara you don't have to answer that. Anyway so today I have something to announce, we are going to GET Celestine, Keri could you please explain what happened to you at the BET awards. (Keri Hilson rises.)
Keri: So after my ass backwards peformance where I tried my best to sing and dance at the same time but ended up looking like my pussy was having a heart attack- I ran backstage to get changed into my outfit- when I got there i found Miss Celestine sitting in my dressing room, her left arm under her chin and her right arm clutching a revolver.
Mya: Shit- what happened?
Keri: She said something in Creole and then said "You want to me to make your face a little bit more colorful bitch", I was so afraid, then she said "Talk shit about my picne again and I will stick this gun so far up your ass you'll be spitting out bullets." Then she hissed and then she left.
Janet: So as you can see, Miss Celestine is going on dangerous, I knew her way back when she was Sheila E's understudy. I'll never forget the day she rammed a ten inch stilleto up Appollonia's ass for not putting enough seasoning in her Fruit Loops- she has to be dealt with.
Alicia: Before we go on- are any of you married? (All shake heads.) Ok- please go on Damita.
Janet: Every Thursday Miss Tina, Miss Turner and Miss Jay go out for drinks at Club Vouz Le Vouz, I know this because Jermaine works the night shift there- so here's what we're going to do, we're going to roll up in Mya's Hummer....
Mya: Repossesed.
Janet: We're going to roll up in Alicia's Hummer and kindap Miss Celestine and hold her for ransom and demand that that bitch daughter of hers retires so we can get a chance to get into the charts (hopefully)
Ashanti: I don't think this is a good idea- Miss Tina don't fuck about- look what she had done to Robyn.
Keri: She paid Chris to do it? Why? Because she thinks Robyn's competition?
Ashanti: No. Because she has a hatred for all Carribeans, who you think shot Bob Marley.
Ciara: Bob Marley wasn't shot.
Ashanti: Shut the fuck up you dick swinging smut.
Janet: Now Now girls, let's not fight- Ashanti I see where you're coming from but something needs to be done, we need someone on the inside to get close to her.
Alicia: Whatchu Tolm Bout Jo?
Janet: We need to go undercover in The Wig Crypt.
TBC.
Monday 10 August 2009
Oh No You Diddy'nt
1. Twitter takes away all the mystery that an artist once had from an artist.
2. You're shit at what you do.
I'll just get straight into it. Today as I was making my way to a friends party and sitting in a traffic, I put in the last Danity Kane record and realised that these bitches were damn good. So good that with the right management and direction they could have been an internationally respected group since The PussyCat Dolls have less artistic credibility than Milli Vanilli and Yung Berg put together.
But you see, when you're signed to Bad Boy all you are is a symbol, a symbol of Diddy's wealth, Diddy doesn't care whether the symbol is succesful or not- we know this because Cassie still has a job- but yes- all you are is a symbol of Diddy's "empire" when you are signed to Bad Boy.
The reason Diddy needs so many shows and artists is because without them people would be forced to actually evaluate his own credibility as a rapper, but because to mainstream media Diddy is one of the "fathers" of Hip Hop alongside Jay Z, mainstream media are never even going to bother questioning the pure foolishness which is Diddy's lyrical content because he such as a good "business man."
Now- if you want to talk about a good business man you don't have to look any further than Jay Z. You see- everyone knows Jay Z is talented whether or not some chump thinks he's an old ass nigger but like his wife- Jay Z has become more than just a good rapper- he's become an empire.
Look at the artists that he's signed:
Rihanna- The World's Biggest Pop Star.
Kanye- (Genius.)
Now Jay Z has his faults, dropping teenage girls without even having the decency to let them know himself but when he does work at something he gets it right, he's become so succesful that people dont even realise when his singles chart poorly like the singles he's released this year, but it's cool but he has artistic intergrity.
Diddy however is only good at marketing a caricature of himself- anyone remember when he tried to convince us he was from Harlem? You see- there is a name for people who come from wealthy circumstances but are ashamed of it:
Jackasses.
The only good thing Diddy is good at promoting are his external businesses- such as the clothing line and "cologne". If he was good at promoting his artists, Day 26 wouldn't be so familiar with the set of 106 and Park, Cassie wouldn't look like such a fool and Danity Kane would still be together.
And when it comes to the BIG movie.
What fuckery.
Trying to present Biggie Smalls as some unsuspecting rapper who got caught up in drama because of a huge "misunderstanding". You may have been able to fool his mother but you won't fool an audience who know how big your ego is.
Trying to convince a younger audience that Tupac was overreacting to situations obviously orchestrated by Biggie nothing short of filthy.
And so is trying to present Faith Evans as the angel to Lil Kim's devil.
Lil Kim may have been a hoe but Faith Evans was no nun, everyone knows that she was serving the kitty ice cold to Tupac and yet the film behaves as though "it was all a big misunderstanding".
Oh the fuckery.
You can't rap.
And any mystery you had died the second you signed up for Twitter because now people know that you know what they think about you- like how even Stephen Hawkins has a better flow than you.
Cassie:
Yes you can't sing.
And yes- everyone knows your little interracial pussy is the reason you're still signed but with the right management you could be a huge star, it's not like the lack vocal ability is holding any of these other bitches back.
With your look and your lifeless voice you could see your music enter the top ten and become a respected face.
You need to work on some POP MUSIC, where people unfortuenately don't expect much from their stars.
You need to get in the studio with cheap producers and high profile writers so you can save some money and use the money that you saved to put out 15 videos and singles to maximise the chances of you getting to number 1 on some chart.
That's what you need to do.
Day 26 (sigh) Get rid of the fat one. Put in a slim one, get new management, get a new label and be the amazing men that you are.
Red Cafe- you stay where you are. You belong where you are.
2. You're shit at what you do.
I'll just get straight into it. Today as I was making my way to a friends party and sitting in a traffic, I put in the last Danity Kane record and realised that these bitches were damn good. So good that with the right management and direction they could have been an internationally respected group since The PussyCat Dolls have less artistic credibility than Milli Vanilli and Yung Berg put together.
But you see, when you're signed to Bad Boy all you are is a symbol, a symbol of Diddy's wealth, Diddy doesn't care whether the symbol is succesful or not- we know this because Cassie still has a job- but yes- all you are is a symbol of Diddy's "empire" when you are signed to Bad Boy.
The reason Diddy needs so many shows and artists is because without them people would be forced to actually evaluate his own credibility as a rapper, but because to mainstream media Diddy is one of the "fathers" of Hip Hop alongside Jay Z, mainstream media are never even going to bother questioning the pure foolishness which is Diddy's lyrical content because he such as a good "business man."
Now- if you want to talk about a good business man you don't have to look any further than Jay Z. You see- everyone knows Jay Z is talented whether or not some chump thinks he's an old ass nigger but like his wife- Jay Z has become more than just a good rapper- he's become an empire.
Look at the artists that he's signed:
Rihanna- The World's Biggest Pop Star.
Kanye- (Genius.)
Now Jay Z has his faults, dropping teenage girls without even having the decency to let them know himself but when he does work at something he gets it right, he's become so succesful that people dont even realise when his singles chart poorly like the singles he's released this year, but it's cool but he has artistic intergrity.
Diddy however is only good at marketing a caricature of himself- anyone remember when he tried to convince us he was from Harlem? You see- there is a name for people who come from wealthy circumstances but are ashamed of it:
Jackasses.
The only good thing Diddy is good at promoting are his external businesses- such as the clothing line and "cologne". If he was good at promoting his artists, Day 26 wouldn't be so familiar with the set of 106 and Park, Cassie wouldn't look like such a fool and Danity Kane would still be together.
And when it comes to the BIG movie.
What fuckery.
Trying to present Biggie Smalls as some unsuspecting rapper who got caught up in drama because of a huge "misunderstanding". You may have been able to fool his mother but you won't fool an audience who know how big your ego is.
Trying to convince a younger audience that Tupac was overreacting to situations obviously orchestrated by Biggie nothing short of filthy.
And so is trying to present Faith Evans as the angel to Lil Kim's devil.
Lil Kim may have been a hoe but Faith Evans was no nun, everyone knows that she was serving the kitty ice cold to Tupac and yet the film behaves as though "it was all a big misunderstanding".
Oh the fuckery.
You can't rap.
And any mystery you had died the second you signed up for Twitter because now people know that you know what they think about you- like how even Stephen Hawkins has a better flow than you.
Cassie:
Yes you can't sing.
And yes- everyone knows your little interracial pussy is the reason you're still signed but with the right management you could be a huge star, it's not like the lack vocal ability is holding any of these other bitches back.
With your look and your lifeless voice you could see your music enter the top ten and become a respected face.
You need to work on some POP MUSIC, where people unfortuenately don't expect much from their stars.
You need to get in the studio with cheap producers and high profile writers so you can save some money and use the money that you saved to put out 15 videos and singles to maximise the chances of you getting to number 1 on some chart.
That's what you need to do.
Day 26 (sigh) Get rid of the fat one. Put in a slim one, get new management, get a new label and be the amazing men that you are.
Red Cafe- you stay where you are. You belong where you are.
Sunday 9 August 2009
When was the last time you saw your own feet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2SOiztOcy4
Word?
Since we're on the issue of God, here is my take on the situation:
YOUR CHUNKY ASS IS SO FAT NOT EVEN GOD COULD LIFT YOUR SPIRITS.
Man- I wish stores would stop making clothes in XL so that fat motherfuckers like this would be forced to get their asses into a gym instead of talking about shit that nobody wants to hear. You look like a Baboon with a tan.
Your fat has surrounded your brain so much that you can't help but to say stupid shit like
"This is not meant to offend the Beyonce' fans but the Beyonce' fanatics".
What the fuck is the word Fan short for?
Beyonce'?
Beyonce'?
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' you fucking Rasputian.
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' with your scary ass.
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' when your entire body is taking up the entire screen so much so that I can barely fit you into my vision.
Nappy headed Burger King stanning- Krispy Kreme licking- heart condition awaiting fatso.
NOBODY talks shit about Beyonce'.
You make Sean Kingston look like a catwalk model.
The day you decided to remove that camera from underneath your tits and film that video was the day you will forever be hunted by The Pop Whore and Associates, we will find you on Twitter and leave witty and hurtful comments about your ashy skin, we will alert Brian_Bee and Gavin and they will deal with your 65.7 waist.
I'm suprised you hate Beyonce'- after all her initials are KFC.
As you can see adding comments have been disabled for that video because we KFC Representatives did our jobs, and we will continue to hunt you down and remind you of what you look like until you apologise because we don't fuck about. Beyonce' knows we don't fuck about- Solange knows we don't fuck about. Keri Hilson knows we don't fuck about.
We don't care who or what you are- if you get at our Queen your ass is over.
Why are Beyonce' haters either ugly on in the inside or on the outside- Etta James counts for both. Why doesn't Beyonce' have any well rounded haters who can put a clear argument together, instead we have shits like you to deal with.
You better hope that I'm not in contact with anybody who works in your local Wendy's because If I am, I will have that bitch lace your Full Fat Double Cream Chocolate Covered Strawberry Apple Pie La Mode with laxative, so your mouth won't be the only thing that'll be running.
You are officially on our list, right after Sandra Rose and if we can destroy the "careers" of people who actually have lives then breaking you down won't be difficult at all.
Why do you think Pride Magazine tried to clear up that Nia Long mess- because I THE POP WHORE SENT IN A LETTER.
Why do you think Amerie, Ashanti or anybody else who makes random and regular appearances on 106 and Park are flops- because whenever they have an album out we The KFC Representatives remind their fans of how useless and irrelevant they are- their fans spend all their time trying to counteract forgetting to buy their albums, whilst at the same time we're pre-ordering copies of a Beyonce' album that she hasn't even recorded yet.
You wanted to talk shit about our Queen.
Now you shall feel our wrath.
For anybody looking for that oompa loompa on twitter, just type in BigZo20 in the Find People tab.
Word?
Since we're on the issue of God, here is my take on the situation:
YOUR CHUNKY ASS IS SO FAT NOT EVEN GOD COULD LIFT YOUR SPIRITS.
Man- I wish stores would stop making clothes in XL so that fat motherfuckers like this would be forced to get their asses into a gym instead of talking about shit that nobody wants to hear. You look like a Baboon with a tan.
Your fat has surrounded your brain so much that you can't help but to say stupid shit like
"This is not meant to offend the Beyonce' fans but the Beyonce' fanatics".
What the fuck is the word Fan short for?
Beyonce'?
Beyonce'?
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' you fucking Rasputian.
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' with your scary ass.
You want to talk shit about Beyonce' when your entire body is taking up the entire screen so much so that I can barely fit you into my vision.
Nappy headed Burger King stanning- Krispy Kreme licking- heart condition awaiting fatso.
NOBODY talks shit about Beyonce'.
You make Sean Kingston look like a catwalk model.
The day you decided to remove that camera from underneath your tits and film that video was the day you will forever be hunted by The Pop Whore and Associates, we will find you on Twitter and leave witty and hurtful comments about your ashy skin, we will alert Brian_Bee and Gavin and they will deal with your 65.7 waist.
I'm suprised you hate Beyonce'- after all her initials are KFC.
As you can see adding comments have been disabled for that video because we KFC Representatives did our jobs, and we will continue to hunt you down and remind you of what you look like until you apologise because we don't fuck about. Beyonce' knows we don't fuck about- Solange knows we don't fuck about. Keri Hilson knows we don't fuck about.
We don't care who or what you are- if you get at our Queen your ass is over.
Why are Beyonce' haters either ugly on in the inside or on the outside- Etta James counts for both. Why doesn't Beyonce' have any well rounded haters who can put a clear argument together, instead we have shits like you to deal with.
You better hope that I'm not in contact with anybody who works in your local Wendy's because If I am, I will have that bitch lace your Full Fat Double Cream Chocolate Covered Strawberry Apple Pie La Mode with laxative, so your mouth won't be the only thing that'll be running.
You are officially on our list, right after Sandra Rose and if we can destroy the "careers" of people who actually have lives then breaking you down won't be difficult at all.
Why do you think Pride Magazine tried to clear up that Nia Long mess- because I THE POP WHORE SENT IN A LETTER.
Why do you think Amerie, Ashanti or anybody else who makes random and regular appearances on 106 and Park are flops- because whenever they have an album out we The KFC Representatives remind their fans of how useless and irrelevant they are- their fans spend all their time trying to counteract forgetting to buy their albums, whilst at the same time we're pre-ordering copies of a Beyonce' album that she hasn't even recorded yet.
You wanted to talk shit about our Queen.
Now you shall feel our wrath.
For anybody looking for that oompa loompa on twitter, just type in BigZo20 in the Find People tab.
Saturday 8 August 2009
Our Lady Of Creole Supremacy
Hello Chil'ren
Welcome to the first service of Our Lady of Creole Supremacy. We are currently taking over for the PopWhore because she was recently kidnapped by Sandra Rose and Tina Davis because of those smart ass comments she made about them- we do not expect to hear or see The PopWhore anytime soon (unless you're on Twitter- but then ignore her because it's actually Sandra Rose to speaking to you and unless you want her to send a virus to your computer of the likes of which you have never seen by simply Tweeting you ignore the PopWhore, Ignore the PopWhore)
Our Lady of Creole Supremacy is an E-Church and we aim to spread the good word of Sister Fierce to the masses through the internet, we believe in good family values (bye bye Alicia) and commercialisation (Hello Mathew). Below is an extract from The Creole Verse.
Dereon Chapter 6 Verse 2:
And Celestine sayeth unto Solange "If thou refuses to wear the glitter bikini i hast made for you- thou shall be forced to enter the WigCrypt and taketh out the knots from Sister Fierce's I lacefront."
Solange replieth, "Suck on a lemon bitch- you favoureth The Wigged One more than thou favoureth me, I shall leaveth this shit(-eth) and find my own wayeth in the world OUTSIDE of Houston."
So Solange lifteth her bag and left The Creole Supremacy Mansion and foundeth herself at a burning bush, she sayeth "What the fuck".
And then she heard a voice, Solange asketh "Who is Thou"
The voice respondeth:
I AM THE GOD OF THY FATHER
I AM THE GOD OF THY MOTHER
I AM SASHA FIERCE.
Welcome to the first service of Our Lady of Creole Supremacy. We are currently taking over for the PopWhore because she was recently kidnapped by Sandra Rose and Tina Davis because of those smart ass comments she made about them- we do not expect to hear or see The PopWhore anytime soon (unless you're on Twitter- but then ignore her because it's actually Sandra Rose to speaking to you and unless you want her to send a virus to your computer of the likes of which you have never seen by simply Tweeting you ignore the PopWhore, Ignore the PopWhore)
Our Lady of Creole Supremacy is an E-Church and we aim to spread the good word of Sister Fierce to the masses through the internet, we believe in good family values (bye bye Alicia) and commercialisation (Hello Mathew). Below is an extract from The Creole Verse.
Dereon Chapter 6 Verse 2:
And Celestine sayeth unto Solange "If thou refuses to wear the glitter bikini i hast made for you- thou shall be forced to enter the WigCrypt and taketh out the knots from Sister Fierce's I lacefront."
Solange replieth, "Suck on a lemon bitch- you favoureth The Wigged One more than thou favoureth me, I shall leaveth this shit(-eth) and find my own wayeth in the world OUTSIDE of Houston."
So Solange lifteth her bag and left The Creole Supremacy Mansion and foundeth herself at a burning bush, she sayeth "What the fuck".
And then she heard a voice, Solange asketh "Who is Thou"
The voice respondeth:
I AM THE GOD OF THY FATHER
I AM THE GOD OF THY MOTHER
I AM SASHA FIERCE.
Thursday 6 August 2009
HoNesia
Definition: When a man or woman behaves in a slutty and dirty way and then acts as though it never happened and then calls people out for reminding them they were at one point a hoe. Example: "Girl- Don't try ac' like you HoNesia on the ass- you know you fucked Raquan."
HoNesia usually occurs when the person who was once a hoe regrets what they did in the past and decide that because they want to protect themselves from being called a hoe they must diss the people who told everyone they were a hoe in the first place.
Sufferers of HoNesia (according to a survey carried out on http://www.pussylips.com/) do not realise that insulting the people who know the truth about their skankgame only results in more stuff being exposed.
Robyn Givens, the current President of HGP (HoGamePrecise) explained, "When you're a hoe you do stuff which you later regret when you finally convince some dumb needle dicked dude to marry you- so the best thing to do is to deny it- not to confront the person who exposed you because they'll only expose you some more- like putting voice messages you left to them in a song, or recounting the time they ejaculated prematurely on your stomach."
She added, "If you're a hoe that really and truly is your business- it has nothing to do with anybody else if you decide to let your Priest put one in the pink and another in the stink, because it is YOUR body, but when you mature and you change and realise your mistake, do not reply to anybody who exposed you, simply shame them by being succesful and being a better person than you were when they were dumping in your mouth."
Below are things to do if you used to be a hoe or you are currently a hoe and trying to change your public image:
1. Delete your Twitter, FaceBook, GayDar, LesLine, CuntConnect or whatever the kids are using nowadays- the less people know about you the less they can say about you.
2. Educate Yourself. Anybody who is spending all their time talking about what you were supposed to have done really hasn't got much going on in their own life and so educate yourself so you can work yourself out of that negative environment. Although it may seem like the entire world thinks you're a hoe, if you have something else to be known for like being the girl who's amazing at running track or being the guy who's an amazing lyricist then you complicate your identity for your haters because they then will be forced to realise that what they say about you means nothing to you.
3. Avoid parties where you know people who think you're a hoe are going to be. It's better to be sat at home drinking shots with your Uncle Rosalinda where you know you're safe than to put yourself into an environment where your saftey and feelings are at risk. You know how ignorant people can be, for example if you're lips were a little dry and you decided to lick them- "Oh nigga look! Bitch is licking her lips cos she want you to plant some seeds in her mout'".
4. Don't do this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjeRk_GxcqM because then people will support this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnFT42EucEs and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf67T6YbvBs
and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzHnNPLWsDQ
Ps.
If you're a hoe that's been fucking for beats but still has not received the beats, then get another career. (How You Dewin Cassie)
HoNesia usually occurs when the person who was once a hoe regrets what they did in the past and decide that because they want to protect themselves from being called a hoe they must diss the people who told everyone they were a hoe in the first place.
Sufferers of HoNesia (according to a survey carried out on http://www.pussylips.com/) do not realise that insulting the people who know the truth about their skankgame only results in more stuff being exposed.
Robyn Givens, the current President of HGP (HoGamePrecise) explained, "When you're a hoe you do stuff which you later regret when you finally convince some dumb needle dicked dude to marry you- so the best thing to do is to deny it- not to confront the person who exposed you because they'll only expose you some more- like putting voice messages you left to them in a song, or recounting the time they ejaculated prematurely on your stomach."
She added, "If you're a hoe that really and truly is your business- it has nothing to do with anybody else if you decide to let your Priest put one in the pink and another in the stink, because it is YOUR body, but when you mature and you change and realise your mistake, do not reply to anybody who exposed you, simply shame them by being succesful and being a better person than you were when they were dumping in your mouth."
Below are things to do if you used to be a hoe or you are currently a hoe and trying to change your public image:
1. Delete your Twitter, FaceBook, GayDar, LesLine, CuntConnect or whatever the kids are using nowadays- the less people know about you the less they can say about you.
2. Educate Yourself. Anybody who is spending all their time talking about what you were supposed to have done really hasn't got much going on in their own life and so educate yourself so you can work yourself out of that negative environment. Although it may seem like the entire world thinks you're a hoe, if you have something else to be known for like being the girl who's amazing at running track or being the guy who's an amazing lyricist then you complicate your identity for your haters because they then will be forced to realise that what they say about you means nothing to you.
3. Avoid parties where you know people who think you're a hoe are going to be. It's better to be sat at home drinking shots with your Uncle Rosalinda where you know you're safe than to put yourself into an environment where your saftey and feelings are at risk. You know how ignorant people can be, for example if you're lips were a little dry and you decided to lick them- "Oh nigga look! Bitch is licking her lips cos she want you to plant some seeds in her mout'".
4. Don't do this :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjeRk_GxcqM because then people will support this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnFT42EucEs and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf67T6YbvBs
and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzHnNPLWsDQ
Ps.
If you're a hoe that's been fucking for beats but still has not received the beats, then get another career. (How You Dewin Cassie)
Wednesday 5 August 2009
All That's Fab
There are some people who lie to themselves.
There are some people who convince themselves, with the help of you a few tweeters, that they are Icons.
So I'm going to tell you what I think:
You haven't been relevant since before Mary Kate and Ashley started their periods.
Your album is going to go Double Polystyrene and you will be dropped from your label within the next to years.
You're a flop.
Fabolous- be realistic, are you suprised that nobody wants you on the cover of their magazne, like seriously- when was the last time you wanted to read an article about somebody who YOU didn't care about.
Update:
Loso's Way shifted 98,000 units (I told you i was being generous).
I can't say I'm surprised- after all- anybody with a recording contract who spends all day on Twitter shouldn't be taken seriously.
Now you may call me a hater and say I don't matter and say that it's the fans that matter, but like your haters, your fans didn't buy your record meaning that your fans and haters are of equal relevance and importance to you.
All that's going to happen now is that labels are going to stop signing artists like T.I, Fab etc and start signing more visual and experimental artists like Kanye West and dare I say 50 cent, after all they are the only ones who actually sell any records.
The black sub culture has a habit of not putting their money where their mouths are. They will complain about the state of modern rap and claim Soulja Boy is to blame but then won't buy the records of artists who actually make quality music.
Whilst Soulja Boy and Bow Wow deserve to flop (as they continue to do) artists such as Fabolous and The Game deserve to shift more units than they do.
If you want to see what I predicted Fab would sell just look below:
Like Ashanti and Jennifer Hudson etc, your fans will support you with their mouths and will diss anybody or thing that comments negatively about your shortcomings as a commercial artist but when it comes to actually buying what you put out- nada. You won't get shit from them.
This is why I can't wait till HDD post your first week sales, then I can laugh at you for believing you were bigger than what you actually are.
You can call me a hater if you want- but who wants to place bets.
I bet that Loso's Way sells less than 190,000 units in first week and then less than 80,000 units in second week. (I'm even being a little generous here) If i'm wrong, I will dedicate an entire week to promoting, complimenting and asslicking the record on this blog and on Twitter, If i'm right (winks) then I don't want anything.
I shouldn't have to be rewarded for my greatness.
There are some people who convince themselves, with the help of you a few tweeters, that they are Icons.
So I'm going to tell you what I think:
You haven't been relevant since before Mary Kate and Ashley started their periods.
Your album is going to go Double Polystyrene and you will be dropped from your label within the next to years.
You're a flop.
Fabolous- be realistic, are you suprised that nobody wants you on the cover of their magazne, like seriously- when was the last time you wanted to read an article about somebody who YOU didn't care about.
Update:
Loso's Way shifted 98,000 units (I told you i was being generous).
I can't say I'm surprised- after all- anybody with a recording contract who spends all day on Twitter shouldn't be taken seriously.
Now you may call me a hater and say I don't matter and say that it's the fans that matter, but like your haters, your fans didn't buy your record meaning that your fans and haters are of equal relevance and importance to you.
All that's going to happen now is that labels are going to stop signing artists like T.I, Fab etc and start signing more visual and experimental artists like Kanye West and dare I say 50 cent, after all they are the only ones who actually sell any records.
The black sub culture has a habit of not putting their money where their mouths are. They will complain about the state of modern rap and claim Soulja Boy is to blame but then won't buy the records of artists who actually make quality music.
Whilst Soulja Boy and Bow Wow deserve to flop (as they continue to do) artists such as Fabolous and The Game deserve to shift more units than they do.
If you want to see what I predicted Fab would sell just look below:
Like Ashanti and Jennifer Hudson etc, your fans will support you with their mouths and will diss anybody or thing that comments negatively about your shortcomings as a commercial artist but when it comes to actually buying what you put out- nada. You won't get shit from them.
This is why I can't wait till HDD post your first week sales, then I can laugh at you for believing you were bigger than what you actually are.
You can call me a hater if you want- but who wants to place bets.
I bet that Loso's Way sells less than 190,000 units in first week and then less than 80,000 units in second week. (I'm even being a little generous here) If i'm wrong, I will dedicate an entire week to promoting, complimenting and asslicking the record on this blog and on Twitter, If i'm right (winks) then I don't want anything.
I shouldn't have to be rewarded for my greatness.
Tuesday 4 August 2009
Barbadose Instinct
We got talking to Pop Superstar Rihanna about a movie which she is both starring in and producing titled Barbadose Instinct.
PopWhore: Hello.
Rihanna: Ello.
PopWhore: So tell us about your movie, Barbadose Instinct.
Rihanna: Well de movie is about a gyal like me who kill all de mudderfuckers who ever hurt her in da past.
PopWhore: So it's a violent movie then?
Rihanna: Oh yes- dis movie is going de show all dem fuckers who da real bad bitch is- believe dat- believe dat- me gon kill all de chichi man pon de place.
PopWhore: ChiChi Man?
Rihanna: Yeah you know- all de batty boys- all dem pussy o' faggots, me gon kill dem all in de movie.
PopWhore: So the movie has homophobic undertones?
Rihanna: What's that word? Home-Phobic, why me gone be afraid of me own home- tarass!
PopWhore: How have you been preparing for the role?
Rihanna: When I'm not out and about getting my photo taken on de streets, I watch lats and lats of movies about women who kill MOTHERFUCKING BUMBERKLUTS who beat on women.
PopWhore: Have you spoken to Chris since the incident?
Rihanna: That likkle fucker been belling of me line, but me never gon forgive him, he gave me a HIYAH! and and HAYOGEN! and then a UPPERCUT! He jus' lucky me had my seatbelt on, oddawise I would have run a blade chru his likkle chichi boy ass.
PopWhore: And has Beyonce' reached out to you.
Rihanna: Who dat?
PopWhore: Beyonce'.
Rihanna: You mean dat likkle bi-atch who had her nephew call me up and chreaten to stick a rattle in my cooch- oh hell no dat bitch ain't called- but Mellisa said she saw her sister at a club and she was makin' jokes about me- she nah know who she messin' wit- I'll fuck her up, her mother AND her cousin too. Don't tes' me.
PopWhore: Are you seeing anybody at the moment?
Rihanna: Yes me vision is very clear.
PopWhore: No no, as in sexually.
Rihanna: Oh yes- me is. Ya wan me to lis' dem.
PopWhore: Ok.
Rihanna:
Jermaine Jackson
Randy Jackson
Joe Jackson
Chris Brown (but dont tell de feds)
Bobby Brown
Drake
My middle finger
Jay Z
Marilyn Ma-
PopWhore: Sorry?
Rihanna: Marilyn Manson.
PopWhore: No before that.
Rihanna: Who Jey Zay? Oh girl don' act suprised. You know he been spicin' up my curried goat since de day I got my GreenCard. He nah love dat wife of his- she never home to cook for him- she too busy singing on beat and achieving shit- me would be a much better wife- foreign pussy is de best kind.
PopWhore: I see.
Rihanna: Anways- I've got to go to de clinic for my test results. I hope me do well, me wasnt very academic backhome
PopWhore: I don't think its that kind of test.
Rihanna: I'll see you around.
PopWhore: Hello.
Rihanna: Ello.
PopWhore: So tell us about your movie, Barbadose Instinct.
Rihanna: Well de movie is about a gyal like me who kill all de mudderfuckers who ever hurt her in da past.
PopWhore: So it's a violent movie then?
Rihanna: Oh yes- dis movie is going de show all dem fuckers who da real bad bitch is- believe dat- believe dat- me gon kill all de chichi man pon de place.
PopWhore: ChiChi Man?
Rihanna: Yeah you know- all de batty boys- all dem pussy o' faggots, me gon kill dem all in de movie.
PopWhore: So the movie has homophobic undertones?
Rihanna: What's that word? Home-Phobic, why me gone be afraid of me own home- tarass!
PopWhore: How have you been preparing for the role?
Rihanna: When I'm not out and about getting my photo taken on de streets, I watch lats and lats of movies about women who kill MOTHERFUCKING BUMBERKLUTS who beat on women.
PopWhore: Have you spoken to Chris since the incident?
Rihanna: That likkle fucker been belling of me line, but me never gon forgive him, he gave me a HIYAH! and and HAYOGEN! and then a UPPERCUT! He jus' lucky me had my seatbelt on, oddawise I would have run a blade chru his likkle chichi boy ass.
PopWhore: And has Beyonce' reached out to you.
Rihanna: Who dat?
PopWhore: Beyonce'.
Rihanna: You mean dat likkle bi-atch who had her nephew call me up and chreaten to stick a rattle in my cooch- oh hell no dat bitch ain't called- but Mellisa said she saw her sister at a club and she was makin' jokes about me- she nah know who she messin' wit- I'll fuck her up, her mother AND her cousin too. Don't tes' me.
PopWhore: Are you seeing anybody at the moment?
Rihanna: Yes me vision is very clear.
PopWhore: No no, as in sexually.
Rihanna: Oh yes- me is. Ya wan me to lis' dem.
PopWhore: Ok.
Rihanna:
Jermaine Jackson
Randy Jackson
Joe Jackson
Chris Brown (but dont tell de feds)
Bobby Brown
Drake
My middle finger
Jay Z
Marilyn Ma-
PopWhore: Sorry?
Rihanna: Marilyn Manson.
PopWhore: No before that.
Rihanna: Who Jey Zay? Oh girl don' act suprised. You know he been spicin' up my curried goat since de day I got my GreenCard. He nah love dat wife of his- she never home to cook for him- she too busy singing on beat and achieving shit- me would be a much better wife- foreign pussy is de best kind.
PopWhore: I see.
Rihanna: Anways- I've got to go to de clinic for my test results. I hope me do well, me wasnt very academic backhome
PopWhore: I don't think its that kind of test.
Rihanna: I'll see you around.
And what exactly is it that you are promoting.
In today's pop culture- there seems to be an obsession and interest in people who are famous for nothing and there's nothing wrong with that because there must be something interesting about these famous for nothing people that generates an interest in them.
However, these famous for nothing people should be aware that being famous for nothing comes with a price- as soon as you say something that pisses people off, people will start to say "Hold on a minute- what is this bitch actually famous for."
The Beckhams.
He was a British Sporting hero and she was a fifth of the world's most succesfully untalented group in Pop Culture history, now he's a Pop Icon and she's his wife.
She stages photo oppurtunities, attends events, is on the cover of magazines and then you begin to wonder- what is she actually promoting.
She is noted for her beauty so any cosmetic or fragrance endorsements she obtains are because of her name and not her face.
She is noted for (God help me) talent and so her part in the Spice Girls was merely "eye candy" but then if she's not that pretty than "eye candy" isn't the right phrase to use and Victoria Beckham is the sort of woman who is only beautiful in comparison to someone uglier.
This is why the Beckhams are leaving LA.
For years they tried to become part of US Culture and they finally suceeded using David's career is an excuse but here are the reasons that went wrong:
1. That fake one part show Victoria did really did her no favours, instead of showing who she really is as a person she simply was playing a caricature of herself, almost intentionally parodying the public's opinion of her- it didn't help that the "assistant" she hired to help her was actually an actress.
2. Because football is such a niche sport here in the US, the people that take it seriously take it VERY seriously, in the Uk because it is THE major sport many of the biggest players are also the biggest celebrities meaning that the Uk is used to seeing their favourite football player on the cover of GQ as well as on the pitch but because in the US, soccer really is ALL about soccer, the fans of LA Galaxy did not appreciate that Beckham was only using the team to turn he and his wife into US stars and to capitalise on US endorsements, which is why he was booed.
3. Victoria just isn't hot. If Victoria Beckham was sexually attractive she could have capitalised on becoming the "ultimate wife" in the way that Jennifer Lopez has become to Mark Anthony. People love to desire what they know they will never have, which is why Ashanti is still in the recording studio, and so if Victoria was sexy, she could have appealed to men who loved and respected her husband and appealed to women who would have respected her for bagging such a hottie.
Also, imagine what it would be like for Victoria to be sat in a room with Jada Pinkett Smith, Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise's pet knowing that she can never match their beauty and world renowned respect for being succesful women in their own right. She may have been in the SpiceGirls but like the other four has not been able to use this to their advantage because if they had they would all be pop icons individually but the most famous Spice Girl is actually only relevant because she is the wife of a Pop Icon.
It's sort of like if Keri Hilson went to her home town, she'd be respected and adored and treated as the HBIC but the second she steps into HollyWood she isn't even in The Top 100 list of recognisable and respected women.
Which is why Victoria belongs in the UK where she can really reign supreme because like i said before she is only a hot bitch in comparison to someone who is not a hot bitch.
I think that's all.
Oh yes- somebody asked me to comment on Britney's Radar video so here I go:
The old Britney would not have settled with a video like this for such an upbeat and amazing song, but that doesn't change the fact that Britney changed and is still changing Pop Culture and is still selling out shows and records. Britney hasn't promoted a record in years yet she outsold girls who spent breakfast, lunch and dinner on the couch of some talk show host promoting their goodies.
I'd also like to congratulate Beyonce' for having the Number 1 tour in the country even before the tour is actually over and I'd like to also beg everyone to listen to Michelle William's Unexpected record on Youtube.
The record puts Michelle's personal and artistic growth into Euro-Pop music and like Solange proves that sales don't mean anything when you achieve artistic credibility
However, these famous for nothing people should be aware that being famous for nothing comes with a price- as soon as you say something that pisses people off, people will start to say "Hold on a minute- what is this bitch actually famous for."
The Beckhams.
He was a British Sporting hero and she was a fifth of the world's most succesfully untalented group in Pop Culture history, now he's a Pop Icon and she's his wife.
She stages photo oppurtunities, attends events, is on the cover of magazines and then you begin to wonder- what is she actually promoting.
She is noted for her beauty so any cosmetic or fragrance endorsements she obtains are because of her name and not her face.
She is noted for (God help me) talent and so her part in the Spice Girls was merely "eye candy" but then if she's not that pretty than "eye candy" isn't the right phrase to use and Victoria Beckham is the sort of woman who is only beautiful in comparison to someone uglier.
This is why the Beckhams are leaving LA.
For years they tried to become part of US Culture and they finally suceeded using David's career is an excuse but here are the reasons that went wrong:
1. That fake one part show Victoria did really did her no favours, instead of showing who she really is as a person she simply was playing a caricature of herself, almost intentionally parodying the public's opinion of her- it didn't help that the "assistant" she hired to help her was actually an actress.
2. Because football is such a niche sport here in the US, the people that take it seriously take it VERY seriously, in the Uk because it is THE major sport many of the biggest players are also the biggest celebrities meaning that the Uk is used to seeing their favourite football player on the cover of GQ as well as on the pitch but because in the US, soccer really is ALL about soccer, the fans of LA Galaxy did not appreciate that Beckham was only using the team to turn he and his wife into US stars and to capitalise on US endorsements, which is why he was booed.
3. Victoria just isn't hot. If Victoria Beckham was sexually attractive she could have capitalised on becoming the "ultimate wife" in the way that Jennifer Lopez has become to Mark Anthony. People love to desire what they know they will never have, which is why Ashanti is still in the recording studio, and so if Victoria was sexy, she could have appealed to men who loved and respected her husband and appealed to women who would have respected her for bagging such a hottie.
Also, imagine what it would be like for Victoria to be sat in a room with Jada Pinkett Smith, Angelina Jolie and Tom Cruise's pet knowing that she can never match their beauty and world renowned respect for being succesful women in their own right. She may have been in the SpiceGirls but like the other four has not been able to use this to their advantage because if they had they would all be pop icons individually but the most famous Spice Girl is actually only relevant because she is the wife of a Pop Icon.
It's sort of like if Keri Hilson went to her home town, she'd be respected and adored and treated as the HBIC but the second she steps into HollyWood she isn't even in The Top 100 list of recognisable and respected women.
Which is why Victoria belongs in the UK where she can really reign supreme because like i said before she is only a hot bitch in comparison to someone who is not a hot bitch.
I think that's all.
Oh yes- somebody asked me to comment on Britney's Radar video so here I go:
The old Britney would not have settled with a video like this for such an upbeat and amazing song, but that doesn't change the fact that Britney changed and is still changing Pop Culture and is still selling out shows and records. Britney hasn't promoted a record in years yet she outsold girls who spent breakfast, lunch and dinner on the couch of some talk show host promoting their goodies.
I'd also like to congratulate Beyonce' for having the Number 1 tour in the country even before the tour is actually over and I'd like to also beg everyone to listen to Michelle William's Unexpected record on Youtube.
The record puts Michelle's personal and artistic growth into Euro-Pop music and like Solange proves that sales don't mean anything when you achieve artistic credibility
Monday 3 August 2009
Keeping It Real
"The problem with modern society is that people tend to hate and judge someone without even considering the facts. We form our opinion based on lies and judgments from things we hear. That, is the problem with modern society."
Word?
That's the problem with our society?
No my dear, the problem with the BLACK pop culture is that when it suits us we can overlook certain things, we can defend OJ when know he damn well killed that white lady, we can defend Michael when we know that if our neighbour was accused of the same shit- we'd pitchfork that dude to the ground and we find a way to rationalise discrimination against fairer skinned people because they "they tink dey better dan us".
You won't tell me what the problem is with society on MY blog, so you can keep your conclusion because my dear, nobody comes on this blog and tries to correct me, I reserve that shit for Twitter.
Since you're so big on considering facts, here are some of mine:
1. As a Beyonce' fan I can tell you from the bottom of my spiced heart that I do not envy the fan base of ANY other artist dead or alive, why?
Michael Jacksons fans are deluded.
Ciara's fans are non existant
Rihanna's fans think innovation means cutting your hair and dying it black.
Janet fans still live in 1993
Aretha Franklin fans are deceased and Whitney Houston fans still think Bobby is completely to blame for Whitney being hooked on Le Craque.
To suggest that my comments on Ms.Keys were fuelled by a "jealousy" I have of her is a joke because there are better women than Alicia who couldn't match Beyonce' and that's a fact.
And to tell me that I can't tell you that Beyonce' is by far a better singer and all round entertainer because that is a matter of opinion is stupid because whether it is YOUR opinion that Sean Kingston is not overweight it doesn't change the fact that he is morbildy gargantuan. A Fact is a Fact.
This is an opinion "Alicia's music is deeper than Sasha's."
This is a fact "If you put Beyonce', Alicia, Mary J and Mariah on the same tour and asked the audience which artist entertained them the most, the answer would be Beyonce'."
You don't have to like an artist to know that they are talented. In the same way I don't have to know Alicia to know that she is husband snatching cum swallowing trollop.Mmmkay.
When it comes to it, if Mashonda is saying that she believed she and her husband were happily married around the time she discovered the affair, then the marriage still existed. Alicia had an affair- accept it, lick it, stick it in your backside and call it Papa Bear.
And when it comes to Beyonce, I'm aware that she can indeed be "fake". I'm aware that she was being "fake" when she told Larry King that she believed a certain employee of her husband's was "talented." But I'm also aware that Beyonce' has gotten to where she's gotten by keeping it all about her art and talent, which is you don't hear anybody accusing HER of borrowing husbands.
And when it comes to Beyonce' falling down the stairs:
You're right, no other artist would have fallen down a flight of stairs because no other artist can perform like Beyonce' does, your favourite artists are too busy either sitting on a stool, sitting behind a piano or sitting on Diddy's lap to put on a quality show.
If you really want to discuss this, we can get IM up in this bitch:
www.twitter.com/popslutwhore
To Alicia Key's Publicist:
This is the last time I will bash your client and remind people of what a loose whore she is, so you don't have to worry about sending me that cheque.
Word?
That's the problem with our society?
No my dear, the problem with the BLACK pop culture is that when it suits us we can overlook certain things, we can defend OJ when know he damn well killed that white lady, we can defend Michael when we know that if our neighbour was accused of the same shit- we'd pitchfork that dude to the ground and we find a way to rationalise discrimination against fairer skinned people because they "they tink dey better dan us".
You won't tell me what the problem is with society on MY blog, so you can keep your conclusion because my dear, nobody comes on this blog and tries to correct me, I reserve that shit for Twitter.
Since you're so big on considering facts, here are some of mine:
1. As a Beyonce' fan I can tell you from the bottom of my spiced heart that I do not envy the fan base of ANY other artist dead or alive, why?
Michael Jacksons fans are deluded.
Ciara's fans are non existant
Rihanna's fans think innovation means cutting your hair and dying it black.
Janet fans still live in 1993
Aretha Franklin fans are deceased and Whitney Houston fans still think Bobby is completely to blame for Whitney being hooked on Le Craque.
To suggest that my comments on Ms.Keys were fuelled by a "jealousy" I have of her is a joke because there are better women than Alicia who couldn't match Beyonce' and that's a fact.
And to tell me that I can't tell you that Beyonce' is by far a better singer and all round entertainer because that is a matter of opinion is stupid because whether it is YOUR opinion that Sean Kingston is not overweight it doesn't change the fact that he is morbildy gargantuan. A Fact is a Fact.
This is an opinion "Alicia's music is deeper than Sasha's."
This is a fact "If you put Beyonce', Alicia, Mary J and Mariah on the same tour and asked the audience which artist entertained them the most, the answer would be Beyonce'."
You don't have to like an artist to know that they are talented. In the same way I don't have to know Alicia to know that she is husband snatching cum swallowing trollop.Mmmkay.
When it comes to it, if Mashonda is saying that she believed she and her husband were happily married around the time she discovered the affair, then the marriage still existed. Alicia had an affair- accept it, lick it, stick it in your backside and call it Papa Bear.
And when it comes to Beyonce, I'm aware that she can indeed be "fake". I'm aware that she was being "fake" when she told Larry King that she believed a certain employee of her husband's was "talented." But I'm also aware that Beyonce' has gotten to where she's gotten by keeping it all about her art and talent, which is you don't hear anybody accusing HER of borrowing husbands.
And when it comes to Beyonce' falling down the stairs:
You're right, no other artist would have fallen down a flight of stairs because no other artist can perform like Beyonce' does, your favourite artists are too busy either sitting on a stool, sitting behind a piano or sitting on Diddy's lap to put on a quality show.
If you really want to discuss this, we can get IM up in this bitch:
www.twitter.com/popslutwhore
To Alicia Key's Publicist:
This is the last time I will bash your client and remind people of what a loose whore she is, so you don't have to worry about sending me that cheque.
Sunday 2 August 2009
Double Standards In A Low Standard Society
I don't usually blog about a topic more than once.
I already discussed the Alicia Keys issue twice and decided to leave it alone on this blog I had made my point.
This blog never gets at anybody who hasn't done anything wrong, which is why you will never see me bash Kelly Rowland or Fergie or even Kelis but when an artist or pop culture figure does something which represents the double standards that exist in today's culture, I will blog about it.
So I'm on Twitter last night and somebody makes a comment about Beyonce' not being a "real" writer. So now I'll adress this issue:
The song "Irreplaceable" was indeed originally written by Neyo and StarGate and was offered to Beyonce' because Beyonce' is Beyonce' she cannot record and release a song without having some part in, so she changed the key of the song and some aspects of the melody because that counts as writing because song lyrics need a melody and vocal arrangement is counted as being part of writing a song.
I find it funny that people latch onto this song, ignoring all the other songs Beyonce' created herself but that's cool because when it comes to Beyonce', all common sense goes out of the window.
The song Smack Into You was originally written by The Dream and another writer for an alternative male artist, because The Dream was also writing with Beyonce' at the time, the song was given to Beyonce' who then re-named and changed the key of the song which also counts as songwriting, the melody of the song is altered slightly also. Now- do you think whoever represents the Dream would allow Beyonce' to take credit for a song that she did nothing to, do you think Neyo (who had been writing for more than 4 years before writing Irreplaceable) would agree to give Beyonce' the song and put her name on the credits if she did nothing to it.
Do you think the NAACP would give a singer/songwriter of the year award to someone without checking if the singer/songwriter actually wrote on the song.
If the other writers are credited on the album, then there is nothing suspect going on.
Alicia Keys fans seem to be under the impression that because Beyonce' sings upbeat songs and wears "provocative clothing" she is in some way less artistically credible than Alicia Keys.
You want to know what's not credible?
Its not credible that a woman can sing a song about "Karma" and then go and have an affair with a married man, does she not know the meaning of her own song.
It's not credible that a woman can sing about female empowerment in a song called "SuperWoman" where she praises the average women of the world for being who they are and then turns around and sleeps with the husband of an average woman.
If Alicia could dance like Beyonce', she would.
If she could sing like Beyonce', she would.
And when it comes to provocative clothing, you could put a hoe in a Nun's outfit but it doesn't change the fact that she's still a hoe.
Beyonce' can shake her ass because we know she can blow better than the best of them.
Beyonce' can talk about being a porn star in Video Phone because we know that on the same record she can talk about being in awe of love in That's Why You're Beautiful.
Alicia Keys fans seem to believe that she is some way more credible than Beyonce, because she plays a musical instrument, if that's the case then Alicia Keys is also more credible than Michael Jackson.
There is a reason that it is Beyonce' who sang at The NeighbourHood Ball, there is a reason that Beyonce' is the star of 5 box office hits, one of which she executive produced.
Oh and when it comes to Beyonce's acting and the suggestion that she is only cast because she is famous and that all her roles (aside from Obsessed) are singing roles because she can't act: If that was the case, everysinger who could sing would be in hit movies, even singers who at the time of Beyonce's movie debut were more accomplised than Beyonce': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwruffC_Tg0
Whether Beyonce' sings in a movie or not, she is acting because there is a script which contains a storyline which contains a message, you think the Oscars just put anybody up for nomination?
If you say that Beyonce' cant act, then my dear, neither can Barbara Streisand after all, most of her movies were musicals too.
You never hear anybody complain about how Will Smith always plays the hero in his movies, or how Whitney Houston also played a singer in her biggest movie role, but of course when it comes to Beyonce, all common sense goes out of the window.
The problem with modern society is that we find it way to easy to overlook things are blatently wrong, we can look at SuperHead and judge her for sleeping with married men but then find a way to rationalise the act when somebody else does it.
We can look at George Bush and call him an idiot and overlook that there wasn't a single terrorist attack in the USA when he was in complete power. (9/11 was being planned when Clinton was still in Office)
If you don't know how shit works, then shut your mouth.
I already discussed the Alicia Keys issue twice and decided to leave it alone on this blog I had made my point.
This blog never gets at anybody who hasn't done anything wrong, which is why you will never see me bash Kelly Rowland or Fergie or even Kelis but when an artist or pop culture figure does something which represents the double standards that exist in today's culture, I will blog about it.
So I'm on Twitter last night and somebody makes a comment about Beyonce' not being a "real" writer. So now I'll adress this issue:
The song "Irreplaceable" was indeed originally written by Neyo and StarGate and was offered to Beyonce' because Beyonce' is Beyonce' she cannot record and release a song without having some part in, so she changed the key of the song and some aspects of the melody because that counts as writing because song lyrics need a melody and vocal arrangement is counted as being part of writing a song.
I find it funny that people latch onto this song, ignoring all the other songs Beyonce' created herself but that's cool because when it comes to Beyonce', all common sense goes out of the window.
The song Smack Into You was originally written by The Dream and another writer for an alternative male artist, because The Dream was also writing with Beyonce' at the time, the song was given to Beyonce' who then re-named and changed the key of the song which also counts as songwriting, the melody of the song is altered slightly also. Now- do you think whoever represents the Dream would allow Beyonce' to take credit for a song that she did nothing to, do you think Neyo (who had been writing for more than 4 years before writing Irreplaceable) would agree to give Beyonce' the song and put her name on the credits if she did nothing to it.
Do you think the NAACP would give a singer/songwriter of the year award to someone without checking if the singer/songwriter actually wrote on the song.
If the other writers are credited on the album, then there is nothing suspect going on.
Alicia Keys fans seem to be under the impression that because Beyonce' sings upbeat songs and wears "provocative clothing" she is in some way less artistically credible than Alicia Keys.
You want to know what's not credible?
Its not credible that a woman can sing a song about "Karma" and then go and have an affair with a married man, does she not know the meaning of her own song.
It's not credible that a woman can sing about female empowerment in a song called "SuperWoman" where she praises the average women of the world for being who they are and then turns around and sleeps with the husband of an average woman.
If Alicia could dance like Beyonce', she would.
If she could sing like Beyonce', she would.
And when it comes to provocative clothing, you could put a hoe in a Nun's outfit but it doesn't change the fact that she's still a hoe.
Beyonce' can shake her ass because we know she can blow better than the best of them.
Beyonce' can talk about being a porn star in Video Phone because we know that on the same record she can talk about being in awe of love in That's Why You're Beautiful.
Alicia Keys fans seem to believe that she is some way more credible than Beyonce, because she plays a musical instrument, if that's the case then Alicia Keys is also more credible than Michael Jackson.
There is a reason that it is Beyonce' who sang at The NeighbourHood Ball, there is a reason that Beyonce' is the star of 5 box office hits, one of which she executive produced.
Oh and when it comes to Beyonce's acting and the suggestion that she is only cast because she is famous and that all her roles (aside from Obsessed) are singing roles because she can't act: If that was the case, everysinger who could sing would be in hit movies, even singers who at the time of Beyonce's movie debut were more accomplised than Beyonce': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwruffC_Tg0
Whether Beyonce' sings in a movie or not, she is acting because there is a script which contains a storyline which contains a message, you think the Oscars just put anybody up for nomination?
If you say that Beyonce' cant act, then my dear, neither can Barbara Streisand after all, most of her movies were musicals too.
You never hear anybody complain about how Will Smith always plays the hero in his movies, or how Whitney Houston also played a singer in her biggest movie role, but of course when it comes to Beyonce, all common sense goes out of the window.
The problem with modern society is that we find it way to easy to overlook things are blatently wrong, we can look at SuperHead and judge her for sleeping with married men but then find a way to rationalise the act when somebody else does it.
We can look at George Bush and call him an idiot and overlook that there wasn't a single terrorist attack in the USA when he was in complete power. (9/11 was being planned when Clinton was still in Office)
If you don't know how shit works, then shut your mouth.
Saturday 1 August 2009
The Color White
In today's modern charts, the top 5 positions are held by the most mainstream artists, from the independent charts to the BillBoard charts, and it is the job of record labels to get their artists on as many charts as possible.
Which is the top 5 positions in the R'n'b charts are actually pop songs.
Look away now if you're ig'nant.
Look away if you're stupid.
Contemporary R'n'b is nothing more than Pop music packaged in urban boxes to appeal to people who 1. feel that "pop music" is less credibile and a joke and 2. people who want to feel "hip" and "down with it" by listening to what they feel is r'n'b music.
Record labels have succeeded in convincing the average person that an artist is automatically a r'n'b artist if they are black.
At a time when it wasn't cool to be black, artists as fair and as "European" looking as Mariah Carey decided not to discuss their ethnicities at the risk that they would be seen as being too niche to be mainstream because even though Janet Jackson who is quite chocolate in complexion was owning the charts at the time, she was never recognised as being a black woman because her title as a "Jackson" meant that the color of her skin did not matter. So with the emergence of urban artists like Boyz 2 Men and TLC, black became in vogue- hence the reason for the multitudes of R'n'b groups in the 90s, that's when Mariah decided to remind the world that there was indeed a little cocoa in her milk.
So for a while, black artists and urban music ruled the charts due to the help of Hype Williams and the new image the mainstream were seeing of black artists like Missy Elliot and Aaliyah who had mainstream relevance as well as street credibility. And this formula was adopted by the new group, Destiny's Child who had both girl next door charm, but a "round the way thing girl" thing going on as well.
However with the dominance of teen pop music, it became very difficult for artists who were 100% urban to compete with artists like Britney and Nsync who were shitting on everyone, and so all the smart managers turned their urban artists into "Urban Pop" artists, the pioneers of this genre being Beyonce' and Co, the song Bills Bills Bills being the best example of this.
So the new Millenium saw artists like Boyz 2 Men, Soul 2 Heart and 4Ever fade away into irrelevant obscurity whilst artists who mastered the art of fusing urban with mainstream dominated the pop and r'n'b charts.
Meaning that the biggest selling r'n'b artists were actually pop artists and it didnt help that the most famous black artist actually had white skin.
So Urban music was in trouble. It had no place in modern music, you could either "sell out" and go completely commercial or just sit at home in the middle of your ten kids in the hope somebody covered your song which you wrote a lyric in in the hope you'd make some royalty money from it.
Today- the situation is the same. Kanye West IS a pop artist.
Beyonce' is a POP Icon.
Rihanna is a POP star.
Alicia Keys is a homewrecking, dick chomping, pussy eating bisexual slutwhore.
If you lived an area where urban music was seen as being horrible and distasteful and you were trying to rebel you would go out of your way to listen to what you thought was "urban" music but because you had been raised on pop music you would subconciously gravitate towards music which incorporated both pop and urban but was packaged as if it were urban.
This is why Eminem is still signed. Crazy ass country trash think they're doing something rebellious by listening to him not realising that they are actually his intended audience, it's the reason his hair is bleach blonde, he is mimicking the fact that he, a white man, has been more succesful than black rappers with more credibility.
The blonde hair says "Yeah I'm white, and yeah I may not be as good as my black contemporaries but I'm one of the most celebrated artists in THEIR genre and charts AS WELL as the pop charts."
Could you imagine what would happen if a black girl with dark skin, braids and a thick body decided to become a country artist- she would be rejected because the crossover key only extends to pop music, when was the last time saw you a black heavy metal artist making impact on the charts, but for Caucasian artists the crossover key has no limits, which is why Fergie gets way with being on"R'n'b Compilations" yet you'd be shocked to find Keisha Cole on Pop Compilation.
When it comes to Ciara- she has gone from being a Princess of Urban Pop to being a joke in the Pop world. Princess Harris did not realise that her only and most loyal fans were all followers of modern Urban music which is why when she tried to release a pop album, her first week sales slumped from around 300,000 to 81,000 within the space of two years. Something occured in the minds of her fans which said, "this bitch tried to switch it up without our permission, fuck her," this is why Ciara is officially irrelevant.
But low sales does not mean an artist is irrelevant, because artists like Jill Scott and Kirk Franklin are commercially unsuccesful but are highly respected and appreciated in the genres making them relevant to their genres. The reason Ashanti, Keri Hilson, Mya etc are irrelevant is because not only are they commercially unsuccesful, their music means nothing and changes nothing in their genres whilst Keisha Cole continues to push the boundaries of contemporary r'n'b with every single making her the most relevant artist in contemporary R'n'b.
When it comes to Robyn F, she's never released an R'n'b single, not ever. Which is why she's still signed and that Tearra chick is still releasing singles that don't go anywhere. Rihanan was going to be dropped after her first release, according to her ex business partner, but when her management got hold of SOS ( a song that the POP icon Britney Spears had rejected) the label kept her on realising Rihanna's potential as a pop artist.
Good Girl Gone Bad is as R'n'b as 808s and Heartbreak is Goth Rock. It isn't at all.
Until labels find a way to turn artists like Keisha Cole into top selling artists who actually release R'n'b music then the charts will continue to be dominated by r'n'b stars who are actually pop artists.
Just look at the charts now, i guarantee that you any "r'n'b artist" who is in the top 5 in the Pop charts is also in the top 5 of the R'n'b Charts.
Which is the top 5 positions in the R'n'b charts are actually pop songs.
Look away now if you're ig'nant.
Look away if you're stupid.
Contemporary R'n'b is nothing more than Pop music packaged in urban boxes to appeal to people who 1. feel that "pop music" is less credibile and a joke and 2. people who want to feel "hip" and "down with it" by listening to what they feel is r'n'b music.
Record labels have succeeded in convincing the average person that an artist is automatically a r'n'b artist if they are black.
At a time when it wasn't cool to be black, artists as fair and as "European" looking as Mariah Carey decided not to discuss their ethnicities at the risk that they would be seen as being too niche to be mainstream because even though Janet Jackson who is quite chocolate in complexion was owning the charts at the time, she was never recognised as being a black woman because her title as a "Jackson" meant that the color of her skin did not matter. So with the emergence of urban artists like Boyz 2 Men and TLC, black became in vogue- hence the reason for the multitudes of R'n'b groups in the 90s, that's when Mariah decided to remind the world that there was indeed a little cocoa in her milk.
So for a while, black artists and urban music ruled the charts due to the help of Hype Williams and the new image the mainstream were seeing of black artists like Missy Elliot and Aaliyah who had mainstream relevance as well as street credibility. And this formula was adopted by the new group, Destiny's Child who had both girl next door charm, but a "round the way thing girl" thing going on as well.
However with the dominance of teen pop music, it became very difficult for artists who were 100% urban to compete with artists like Britney and Nsync who were shitting on everyone, and so all the smart managers turned their urban artists into "Urban Pop" artists, the pioneers of this genre being Beyonce' and Co, the song Bills Bills Bills being the best example of this.
So the new Millenium saw artists like Boyz 2 Men, Soul 2 Heart and 4Ever fade away into irrelevant obscurity whilst artists who mastered the art of fusing urban with mainstream dominated the pop and r'n'b charts.
Meaning that the biggest selling r'n'b artists were actually pop artists and it didnt help that the most famous black artist actually had white skin.
So Urban music was in trouble. It had no place in modern music, you could either "sell out" and go completely commercial or just sit at home in the middle of your ten kids in the hope somebody covered your song which you wrote a lyric in in the hope you'd make some royalty money from it.
Today- the situation is the same. Kanye West IS a pop artist.
Beyonce' is a POP Icon.
Rihanna is a POP star.
Alicia Keys is a homewrecking, dick chomping, pussy eating bisexual slutwhore.
If you lived an area where urban music was seen as being horrible and distasteful and you were trying to rebel you would go out of your way to listen to what you thought was "urban" music but because you had been raised on pop music you would subconciously gravitate towards music which incorporated both pop and urban but was packaged as if it were urban.
This is why Eminem is still signed. Crazy ass country trash think they're doing something rebellious by listening to him not realising that they are actually his intended audience, it's the reason his hair is bleach blonde, he is mimicking the fact that he, a white man, has been more succesful than black rappers with more credibility.
The blonde hair says "Yeah I'm white, and yeah I may not be as good as my black contemporaries but I'm one of the most celebrated artists in THEIR genre and charts AS WELL as the pop charts."
Could you imagine what would happen if a black girl with dark skin, braids and a thick body decided to become a country artist- she would be rejected because the crossover key only extends to pop music, when was the last time saw you a black heavy metal artist making impact on the charts, but for Caucasian artists the crossover key has no limits, which is why Fergie gets way with being on"R'n'b Compilations" yet you'd be shocked to find Keisha Cole on Pop Compilation.
When it comes to Ciara- she has gone from being a Princess of Urban Pop to being a joke in the Pop world. Princess Harris did not realise that her only and most loyal fans were all followers of modern Urban music which is why when she tried to release a pop album, her first week sales slumped from around 300,000 to 81,000 within the space of two years. Something occured in the minds of her fans which said, "this bitch tried to switch it up without our permission, fuck her," this is why Ciara is officially irrelevant.
But low sales does not mean an artist is irrelevant, because artists like Jill Scott and Kirk Franklin are commercially unsuccesful but are highly respected and appreciated in the genres making them relevant to their genres. The reason Ashanti, Keri Hilson, Mya etc are irrelevant is because not only are they commercially unsuccesful, their music means nothing and changes nothing in their genres whilst Keisha Cole continues to push the boundaries of contemporary r'n'b with every single making her the most relevant artist in contemporary R'n'b.
When it comes to Robyn F, she's never released an R'n'b single, not ever. Which is why she's still signed and that Tearra chick is still releasing singles that don't go anywhere. Rihanan was going to be dropped after her first release, according to her ex business partner, but when her management got hold of SOS ( a song that the POP icon Britney Spears had rejected) the label kept her on realising Rihanna's potential as a pop artist.
Good Girl Gone Bad is as R'n'b as 808s and Heartbreak is Goth Rock. It isn't at all.
Until labels find a way to turn artists like Keisha Cole into top selling artists who actually release R'n'b music then the charts will continue to be dominated by r'n'b stars who are actually pop artists.
Just look at the charts now, i guarantee that you any "r'n'b artist" who is in the top 5 in the Pop charts is also in the top 5 of the R'n'b Charts.
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