Ms. Butterscotch: Hello- you must be Tina, Daniel's grandmother.
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine and I am Juelz grandmother. If you don't know you better ask somebody.
Juelz: That's right gran'ma.
Ms.Buttersotch: Oh i see- well I'm so glad you could come- I thought his mother would be here- Juelz explained you have a busy schedule.
Miss Celestine: Solange is on Twitter but yes I do indeed have a busy sche-du-al,in fact before I came here I had to hunt down a rare breed of fox in my backgarden- The Dereon Winter Collection is approaching.
Ms.Butterscotch: Oh wow- well we've been learning about foxes in class haven't we Juelz.
Juelz: Bitch- don't try come at me with that sweety sweet sweet shit jus' cos my nana is here.
Ms.Butterscotch: Miss Celestine- this is what I wanted to discuss you- Dan-I mean Juelz' language- just today in class he asked a class member of the Chinese persuasion to "open his fucking eyes." (Miss. Celestine turns to Juelz.)
Miss Celestine: Pourquoi?
Juelz: She lyin'
Ms.Butterscotch: He also suggested this morning when he came in that he and I should go to the reading area for a PTA meeting whilst all the other children were having nap time.
Miss Celestine: What's wrong with PTA meetings?
Ms.Butterscotch: I overheard Daniel tell one of his fellow classmates that PTA stood for Penetrate That Anustacia.
Miss Celestine:Is it a crime that my grandson is a real man- huh- don't be hatin' cos Creole boys develop early. Listen- why don't we get to the important shit- how he's doing in class?
Ms.Butterscotch: Well- Juelz has a passion for Math- which he has improved in since last year- have you or anybody at home been working on it with him?
Miss Celestine: Oh yes- Juelz can work out sums like his name is Bernard Madoff- he even has his own little rhyme to help him with his timetable, do it for her Juelz- show her what you made up.
Juelz: (clears throat.)
2 times 2 is four- thats how many times I'm gonna kick down ya door.
3 times 3 is six- I got Ming Lee and Aoki in the crib turning out tricks.
4 times 4 is 8- somebody better tell Janet that her period is ten years late.
5 times 5 in ten- I roll ten blunts when I kick it in my Dora play pen.
6 times 6 is 9- Fuck Hilter cos y'all know that the Kampf is Meine.
Miss Butterscotch: Juelz- 6 times 6 is not 9.
Juelz: Bitch- I will stick this Barney the Dinosour action figure so far up you- your heartbeat will be the fucking theme tune. (Miss Celestine smiles.) I mean- all you do is cry and talk 'bout how much you love kids when you s'posed to be teachin' us about colors and shit.
Miss Celestine: Listen up Miss. Thang- my gran'son is a creative genius jus' like his mo-aunt, I want to know what Juelz is doing in Art.
Miss Butterscotch: Erm- art isn't in the syllabus- but Juelz has taken a keen interest in Biol-
Miss Celestine: STAP! just STAP! I didn't send my gran'baby to school to learn about how plants grow and shit- the only thing my gran'baby needs to know is how to reproduce- are you teaching them that?!
Miss Butterscotch: Well this is only kindergaten-
Miss Celestine: Stop with all that shit- your obviously trying to entice the children yourself- what kind of name is Miss.Butterscotch anyway- are you trying to give the children cavities? Are you?!and why are you wearing such a low cut top which makes your tetas look like two tennis ball at the bottom of a sling- bitch you need to hitch those tits up- gravity dun got to them.
Miss Butterscotch: Excuse Me?
Miss Celestine: You're excused- how dare you try and put it on my gran'baby- whatchu you tryna do Michael's job for him now he dead and buried- oh hell naw! oh hell to the naw! Bitch I'm reporting your ass to the school board.
Miss Butterscotch: For what?
Miss Celestine: Gross Misconduct- those shoes are making me throw up in my mouth. (Miss Celestine and Juelz then leave, not before Juelz points makes the Nazi salute at Miss Butterscotch, as Miss Celestine and Juelz leave the building- they see Rihanna picking up her dog (Shontelle) from school.) Juelz get in the car- I got to speak to this bitch. (Juelz winks at Rihanna and hops into his safety chair and rolls down the window.)
Rihanna: Miss Celestine.
Miss Celestine: Robyn. How you been- last time I saw you you looked like you were auditioning for What's Love Got To Do With Part 2.
Rihanna: I've been good- just working on my own fragrance line- I actually just finished shooting the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpHamlvwRx0
Miss Celestine: Eu Dou Trollope?
Rihanna: Why you fuckin bi-atch- dont make me get ragga on your bludkleet.
Miss Celestine: Bitch I will backhand you so hard, the Dereon logo will be forever imprinted in your cheek.
Rihanna: Me na fi scurred of you- me a knock down bigger bitches dan you back home.
Miss Celestine: Somebody call a fuckin translator- you better learn how to sell pussy in Iceland by the time I'm done witchu. (Rihanna pulls razor, Miss. Celestine pulls out Juelz' report card, Miss.ButterScotch pulls out thong from her ass.)
Miss Celestine: You might as well as call me The Texas Chain Saw Mascara cos I'm about slice you up like my name is Papa John's. (Just as Rihanna prepares to attack with her razor, Juelz jumps out of the car and smashes his bottle against the boot of the car, he points the bottle at Rihanna)
Juelz: You better take your dutty winin' pussy out of here quicker than I can say Swiper No Swipin' or else I'll slam this bottle so far down your mouth- you'll be pissing formula. (Rihanna puts down razor and slowly walks away, Juelz gives Miss Celestine a high five.)
Miss Celestine: You the best friend I ever had.
Juelz: Let's go home and prank call Cassie
Miss Celestine: You got her number?
Juelz: Uurbody got her number..
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Faggots
It's not your job to decide whether someone is gay or not. That's their job.
You don't go around spreading shit that they someone is gay or not. Get a real job.
And if someone is gay and they're giving you unwanted attention- you have the right to tell that person to fuck off and if they don't fuck off and actually touch you- you then have the right to get physical- because nobody has the right to touch your body without permission.
And if you are gay and don't want to be called gay- that is YOUR choice- however do not be deceiptful and do not use women as your beard unless you know you are going to abstain from homosexual fucking because that isn't fair on your wife.
Two young boys commited suicide because of the stereoptypes enforced in the black media. Two youngs boys commited suicide because some ignorant parents forgot to remind their kids to mind their own fucking business.
At age 11- who knows whether they are gay or not.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
The black media help to reinforce the ignorance that exists in the urban community when they suggest that anybody who doesn't wear black and whose clothes dont sag is gay and when they decide that its ok to hurl insults at the little guy who appeared alongside Beyonce' in that ad campaign.
You think anybody chooses to be feminine is such an ignorant society.
You think anybody would choose to be gay when they know what they know what the response would be.
Why would a black man decide to gay- isn't being discriminated because of his skin color enough torture.
I want to know that you are OBSESSED with somebody if you feel the need to scream "faggot" or "queer" to someone everytime you see them, you are OBSESSED with someone if you feel the need to spread rumours about a person whether they are gay or not.
If someone prefers cock to pussy- that is THEIR business.
You don't have to accept it- but you need to respect that person's decision as a human being to live that way.
If a man decides to rock a short skirt, a bikini and a The Beyonce Experience Gingery Brown lacefront and you don't like it- DON'T LOOK AT HIM. He didn't ask you to wear it with him.
Mind your business and worry about your life, instead of analysing what's wrong with somebody elses.
You may be wondering why The Pop Whore is getting all preacher on your ass- well I'll explain.
Yesterday- a dear friend of mine told me that they were gay and that their family knew about it because a family friend had seen him kissing another guy outside of his workplace.
So first of all- because I know that family "friend" reads this blog, I want you to know this:
1. Shut your fucking mouth.
2. Mind your fucking business.
3. Pay me back my fucking money from when I bought your son Baby Jamz for Christmas (I don't care if it was a gift- hand over the cash or your candy ass gets it.)
My friend then explained that when he got home from work, his entire family including his older uncles began to interrogate him, asking him how many guys he had fucked, if he had crushes on anybody and basically trying to embarrasing you and so my friend called me knowing that I wouldn't judge or ask questions, because he is my friend and I knew him before I knew myself- and him being gay doesnt change the fact that he has been supportive of me since the day I decided to start turning tricks at the senior citizens centre.
My friend is masculine.
He plays ball.
Fucks girls. Date Girls.
We even fucked once.
And he was gay.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
You don't go around spreading shit that they someone is gay or not. Get a real job.
And if someone is gay and they're giving you unwanted attention- you have the right to tell that person to fuck off and if they don't fuck off and actually touch you- you then have the right to get physical- because nobody has the right to touch your body without permission.
And if you are gay and don't want to be called gay- that is YOUR choice- however do not be deceiptful and do not use women as your beard unless you know you are going to abstain from homosexual fucking because that isn't fair on your wife.
Two young boys commited suicide because of the stereoptypes enforced in the black media. Two youngs boys commited suicide because some ignorant parents forgot to remind their kids to mind their own fucking business.
At age 11- who knows whether they are gay or not.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
The black media help to reinforce the ignorance that exists in the urban community when they suggest that anybody who doesn't wear black and whose clothes dont sag is gay and when they decide that its ok to hurl insults at the little guy who appeared alongside Beyonce' in that ad campaign.
You think anybody chooses to be feminine is such an ignorant society.
You think anybody would choose to be gay when they know what they know what the response would be.
Why would a black man decide to gay- isn't being discriminated because of his skin color enough torture.
I want to know that you are OBSESSED with somebody if you feel the need to scream "faggot" or "queer" to someone everytime you see them, you are OBSESSED with someone if you feel the need to spread rumours about a person whether they are gay or not.
If someone prefers cock to pussy- that is THEIR business.
You don't have to accept it- but you need to respect that person's decision as a human being to live that way.
If a man decides to rock a short skirt, a bikini and a The Beyonce Experience Gingery Brown lacefront and you don't like it- DON'T LOOK AT HIM. He didn't ask you to wear it with him.
Mind your business and worry about your life, instead of analysing what's wrong with somebody elses.
You may be wondering why The Pop Whore is getting all preacher on your ass- well I'll explain.
Yesterday- a dear friend of mine told me that they were gay and that their family knew about it because a family friend had seen him kissing another guy outside of his workplace.
So first of all- because I know that family "friend" reads this blog, I want you to know this:
1. Shut your fucking mouth.
2. Mind your fucking business.
3. Pay me back my fucking money from when I bought your son Baby Jamz for Christmas (I don't care if it was a gift- hand over the cash or your candy ass gets it.)
My friend then explained that when he got home from work, his entire family including his older uncles began to interrogate him, asking him how many guys he had fucked, if he had crushes on anybody and basically trying to embarrasing you and so my friend called me knowing that I wouldn't judge or ask questions, because he is my friend and I knew him before I knew myself- and him being gay doesnt change the fact that he has been supportive of me since the day I decided to start turning tricks at the senior citizens centre.
My friend is masculine.
He plays ball.
Fucks girls. Date Girls.
We even fucked once.
And he was gay.
Feminine does not equal gay.
If that was the case- down low men wouldn't exist.
Friday, 14 August 2009
More Than A Woman
If Aaliyah was alive, Beyonce would shit on her too. There- I said it.
Aaliyah's contemporaries:
Toni Braxton
TLC
Janet Jackson
Mariah Carey
Adinah Howard
Xscape
Boys 2 Men
Gs To Gents
Brandy
Whisky
Liquer
Where are any of these bitches now- the best of them can't walk down the street without being heckled at because of their non-existant sales, expanding waistlines, getting spunked or their obsession with whispering their "music".
So if Aaliyah was alive- what makes you think she'd be any match for Sasha.
Yes Aaliyah was the shit in the 90s and early Noughties but so was Janet.
Yes Aaliyah was renowned for her innovative videos and mainstream relevance- but so was Ci- I'm sorry.
I love me some Aaliyah too but let's not get carried away- each bitch has their time and one day I'm sure Mathew Knowles and Joe Jackson will finally release their hybridized artist who has Beyonce's vocal talent, vagina, performance skill and sanity fused with Michael's innovation (minus the kiddy fiddling) that will dethrone Beyonce' but until then it's important to realise this:
EVEN IF BEYONCE' RETIRED- PAPA SHAWN HAS ABOUT 11 NEW FAIR SKINNED-LIGHT HEADED MEDIOCORE FEMBOTS READY TO JOIN RIHANNA ON THE POP IT GIRL SCENE WHO WILL ALSO SHIT ON YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS.
And my dear Brooke:
1. Your album is gathering dust is on your father's shrivelled penis.
2. Your mother is choking on the cum of her tween boyfriend.
3. Your daddy is fucking a bitch identical to you.
4. You look like Malibu Beach Barbie on testosterone.
5. Get a security guard- if your ass is ever in Vegas you better hope me and my Uncle Rosalinda don't catch you- because if we do- we will take your bleached ass and use your skin for a fur coat- winter is approaching.
You are just lucky that I do not have own The How To Deal With Hyper Non Existant Bitches Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide, I only have The How To Deal with Irrelevant SongWriters Whose Records Bubble Hard On the Bubbling Under Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide. Because If I did I would make your ass a trending topic but since we Sasha fans have no experience on how to deal with dealing with non existant hoes like you- don't expect too much hassle.
Ps.
Could you ask your mom if she still wants to renew her membership on www. MilfFuck.com, she's always been such a good sport.
Aaliyah's contemporaries:
Toni Braxton
TLC
Janet Jackson
Mariah Carey
Adinah Howard
Xscape
Boys 2 Men
Gs To Gents
Brandy
Whisky
Liquer
Where are any of these bitches now- the best of them can't walk down the street without being heckled at because of their non-existant sales, expanding waistlines, getting spunked or their obsession with whispering their "music".
So if Aaliyah was alive- what makes you think she'd be any match for Sasha.
Yes Aaliyah was the shit in the 90s and early Noughties but so was Janet.
Yes Aaliyah was renowned for her innovative videos and mainstream relevance- but so was Ci- I'm sorry.
I love me some Aaliyah too but let's not get carried away- each bitch has their time and one day I'm sure Mathew Knowles and Joe Jackson will finally release their hybridized artist who has Beyonce's vocal talent, vagina, performance skill and sanity fused with Michael's innovation (minus the kiddy fiddling) that will dethrone Beyonce' but until then it's important to realise this:
EVEN IF BEYONCE' RETIRED- PAPA SHAWN HAS ABOUT 11 NEW FAIR SKINNED-LIGHT HEADED MEDIOCORE FEMBOTS READY TO JOIN RIHANNA ON THE POP IT GIRL SCENE WHO WILL ALSO SHIT ON YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS.
And my dear Brooke:
1. Your album is gathering dust is on your father's shrivelled penis.
2. Your mother is choking on the cum of her tween boyfriend.
3. Your daddy is fucking a bitch identical to you.
4. You look like Malibu Beach Barbie on testosterone.
5. Get a security guard- if your ass is ever in Vegas you better hope me and my Uncle Rosalinda don't catch you- because if we do- we will take your bleached ass and use your skin for a fur coat- winter is approaching.
You are just lucky that I do not have own The How To Deal With Hyper Non Existant Bitches Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide, I only have The How To Deal with Irrelevant SongWriters Whose Records Bubble Hard On the Bubbling Under Talking Smack About The Fierce One manual guide. Because If I did I would make your ass a trending topic but since we Sasha fans have no experience on how to deal with dealing with non existant hoes like you- don't expect too much hassle.
Ps.
Could you ask your mom if she still wants to renew her membership on www. MilfFuck.com, she's always been such a good sport.
Thursday, 13 August 2009
The League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes part 2.
Dereon HeadQuarters Reception
Ashanti: Hello- I have an interview here today.
Receptionist Robberson: Please take a seat. Miss Celestine will be out to see you in a minute.
(The Beyonce' Experience Intro begins playing as Miss Celestine catwalks into the reception.)
Miss Celestine: LaTavia, call the farm and cancel my order of sixty horses, we'll just have to recycle Beyonce's dark wigs from '99 for Solange, this recession is a bitch.
Receptionist Robberson: Yes Ma'am.
Miss Celestine: And push your tetas up- we running a business up in this shit. Oh Ms....Douglas you here on time. I'm impressed, Follow me into my office. (The I AM. Tour Into begins playing as Ashanti follows Miss.Celestine into her office, Miss Celestine takes a seat)
Miss Celestine: Stand in the corner- so Ms. Douglas- why do you think I should hire you here at The Dereon HeadQuarters.
Ashanti: I'll be aways there when you call- I'm always on time. Erm- I'm efficient-
Miss Celestine: Do you have experience in prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: Sorry?
Miss Celestine: Whatchu got Nelly's cum blockin ya ear?! Do you have experience prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: No Ma'am. (Juelz enters.)
Juelz: Nana- I got Dora on the phone- she say she returning yo' call.
Miss Celestine: Boy pull your pants up and pass me the phone- ok Juelz continue this interview, whilst I take this call. (Miss Celestine exits, Juelz climbs up into Miss Celestine's seat.)
Juelz: So Ms.Douglas- if I call your funky ass if 3 in the morn and ask you to drive over here and pour some Liqour in my Barney cup, would you do it?
Ashanti: Erm yeah.
Juelz: And I asked you to put on Wendy William's voice and prank call Madox- would you do it?
Ashanti: Oh ok- yeah sure. (Ashanti begins to sweat.)
Juelz: Take off your shirt. Strip for may.
Ashanti: Oh no-I-I-I can't. (Juelz throws quarter at her)
Juelz: Bitch you want this job?! (Ashanti's sweat hits the floor, she begins to strip, Whistle While You Twerk begins to play as he throws Cheetos at her) BITCH I KNEW IT- YOU WIRED.
(Janet's house)
Janet: Ashanti abort mission. abort mission.
(Office)
Juelz: So you try run up in here and get all 007 on us, im about to go Ben 10 on your ass. (enter Miss. Celestine, Juelz throws himself to the floor.)
Miss Celestine: LAWDHAMMERCY! What the fuck you trying to do to my gran'baby- what are you- Michael ?! Oh imma show you what we do to perverts like you in H-Town.
Ashanti: God no!
Miss Celestine: Leave God out of this bitch. I'm about to turn your hairy ass into a fur coat. (just as Miss Celestine reaches for the razor, Ashanti leaps out of the window and runs) That little bitch- Juelz you ok? I'm going to fuck the League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes Up if it's the last thing I do.
TBC.
(Below is the phone call Miss. Celestine had with Dora)
Dora: Tina?
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine Beyince' to you.
Dora: Cut out the shit- why did you call? You still haven't returned Diego's cheetah
Miss Celestine: Yes the fuck I did- I sent it home to you- check 0.38 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWq3kobYOQk but that's not what I called.
Dora: If this is about me dating Daniel- then forget about it- I ain't doing it.
Miss Celestine: Why not- you fuck with everybody else
Dora: Shut the fuck up- no I do not.
Miss Celestine: You ain't know that I know bout you and Diego?
Dora: You dirty... he's my cousin?
Miss Celestine: Like Hell he is- listen bitch- Juelz needs a woman on his arm for when he promotes his debut record, It's Nap Time Nigger to elevate his thug image, and you the easiest bitch I can find.
Dora: Oh hell no- Conseguí una visita para poner junto, yo me puse tiempo conseguido para su mierda crujiente de talkin de asno a mí, ain't no manera que haré fechando su nieto.
Miss Celestine: So you want to get bilingual up in this shit?Date my grandson and or I'll call social services on your neglected ass, bitch you know you ain't got a green card which is why the only place you be exploring is Mex-fucking-Ico. Y'all bitches never learn- I AM A KNOWLES- w always get what we want and If you don't let Juelz take your ass to Red Lobster and let me send the photos to MTO, I will come to your house myself and fuck up your map- then how the fuck you gon' find shit. Weibchen.
Dora: Ok- Ok, I'll do it- but if I do- I need something in return.
Miss Celestine: Yes?
Dora: Deal with the bitch who wrote this:
http://www.quizilla.com/polls/10964101/who-would-win-in-a-slap-fight-spongebob-or-dora-the-explorer
Ashanti: Hello- I have an interview here today.
Receptionist Robberson: Please take a seat. Miss Celestine will be out to see you in a minute.
(The Beyonce' Experience Intro begins playing as Miss Celestine catwalks into the reception.)
Miss Celestine: LaTavia, call the farm and cancel my order of sixty horses, we'll just have to recycle Beyonce's dark wigs from '99 for Solange, this recession is a bitch.
Receptionist Robberson: Yes Ma'am.
Miss Celestine: And push your tetas up- we running a business up in this shit. Oh Ms....Douglas you here on time. I'm impressed, Follow me into my office. (The I AM. Tour Into begins playing as Ashanti follows Miss.Celestine into her office, Miss Celestine takes a seat)
Miss Celestine: Stand in the corner- so Ms. Douglas- why do you think I should hire you here at The Dereon HeadQuarters.
Ashanti: I'll be aways there when you call- I'm always on time. Erm- I'm efficient-
Miss Celestine: Do you have experience in prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: Sorry?
Miss Celestine: Whatchu got Nelly's cum blockin ya ear?! Do you have experience prank calling fat diva bitches?
Ashanti: No Ma'am. (Juelz enters.)
Juelz: Nana- I got Dora on the phone- she say she returning yo' call.
Miss Celestine: Boy pull your pants up and pass me the phone- ok Juelz continue this interview, whilst I take this call. (Miss Celestine exits, Juelz climbs up into Miss Celestine's seat.)
Juelz: So Ms.Douglas- if I call your funky ass if 3 in the morn and ask you to drive over here and pour some Liqour in my Barney cup, would you do it?
Ashanti: Erm yeah.
Juelz: And I asked you to put on Wendy William's voice and prank call Madox- would you do it?
Ashanti: Oh ok- yeah sure. (Ashanti begins to sweat.)
Juelz: Take off your shirt. Strip for may.
Ashanti: Oh no-I-I-I can't. (Juelz throws quarter at her)
Juelz: Bitch you want this job?! (Ashanti's sweat hits the floor, she begins to strip, Whistle While You Twerk begins to play as he throws Cheetos at her) BITCH I KNEW IT- YOU WIRED.
(Janet's house)
Janet: Ashanti abort mission. abort mission.
(Office)
Juelz: So you try run up in here and get all 007 on us, im about to go Ben 10 on your ass. (enter Miss. Celestine, Juelz throws himself to the floor.)
Miss Celestine: LAWDHAMMERCY! What the fuck you trying to do to my gran'baby- what are you- Michael ?! Oh imma show you what we do to perverts like you in H-Town.
Ashanti: God no!
Miss Celestine: Leave God out of this bitch. I'm about to turn your hairy ass into a fur coat. (just as Miss Celestine reaches for the razor, Ashanti leaps out of the window and runs) That little bitch- Juelz you ok? I'm going to fuck the League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes Up if it's the last thing I do.
TBC.
(Below is the phone call Miss. Celestine had with Dora)
Dora: Tina?
Miss Celestine: It's Miss Celestine Beyince' to you.
Dora: Cut out the shit- why did you call? You still haven't returned Diego's cheetah
Miss Celestine: Yes the fuck I did- I sent it home to you- check 0.38 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWq3kobYOQk but that's not what I called.
Dora: If this is about me dating Daniel- then forget about it- I ain't doing it.
Miss Celestine: Why not- you fuck with everybody else
Dora: Shut the fuck up- no I do not.
Miss Celestine: You ain't know that I know bout you and Diego?
Dora: You dirty... he's my cousin?
Miss Celestine: Like Hell he is- listen bitch- Juelz needs a woman on his arm for when he promotes his debut record, It's Nap Time Nigger to elevate his thug image, and you the easiest bitch I can find.
Dora: Oh hell no- Conseguí una visita para poner junto, yo me puse tiempo conseguido para su mierda crujiente de talkin de asno a mí, ain't no manera que haré fechando su nieto.
Miss Celestine: So you want to get bilingual up in this shit?Date my grandson and or I'll call social services on your neglected ass, bitch you know you ain't got a green card which is why the only place you be exploring is Mex-fucking-Ico. Y'all bitches never learn- I AM A KNOWLES- w always get what we want and If you don't let Juelz take your ass to Red Lobster and let me send the photos to MTO, I will come to your house myself and fuck up your map- then how the fuck you gon' find shit. Weibchen.
Dora: Ok- Ok, I'll do it- but if I do- I need something in return.
Miss Celestine: Yes?
Dora: Deal with the bitch who wrote this:
http://www.quizilla.com/polls/10964101/who-would-win-in-a-slap-fight-spongebob-or-dora-the-explorer
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
I AM.... GOING TO OUTSELL YOU
I don't usually like to post back to back, but I've been forced too.
Just because someone gets to number 1 doesn't mean their record was succesful because Chrisette Michelle was number 1 with around 89,000 units in her first week sales. Now- if you think that's succesful then I'd like to know what you think of Beyonce's 482,000 opening week sales for I AM.
When it comes to Janet fans, yes- Discipline was number 1 with 181,000 but what would have happened if Beyonce, Mariah, Alicia and Britney all released records in the same week as Janet. Huh?
I can't hear you?
No say it again?
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE MADE IT INTO THE TOP TEN.
I won't go into the politics behind Janet's embarrasing situation right now because that'd need to be a ten page report but I'll tell you this.
Whatchu Say- Not To Me- She ain't no icon.
She used to be when her music meant shit. When you felt empowered by stomping to Rhythm Nation or getting down to Pleasure Principle- now the bitch talks about sucking dick.
This new record she's planning to put out is going to shift less records than Brandy's record did and Im just curious to know what label are going to sign after she wasted Universal's Time after dissapointing Virgin.
Just because someone gets to number 1 doesn't mean their record was succesful because Chrisette Michelle was number 1 with around 89,000 units in her first week sales. Now- if you think that's succesful then I'd like to know what you think of Beyonce's 482,000 opening week sales for I AM.
When it comes to Janet fans, yes- Discipline was number 1 with 181,000 but what would have happened if Beyonce, Mariah, Alicia and Britney all released records in the same week as Janet. Huh?
I can't hear you?
No say it again?
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE MADE IT INTO THE TOP TEN.
I won't go into the politics behind Janet's embarrasing situation right now because that'd need to be a ten page report but I'll tell you this.
Whatchu Say- Not To Me- She ain't no icon.
She used to be when her music meant shit. When you felt empowered by stomping to Rhythm Nation or getting down to Pleasure Principle- now the bitch talks about sucking dick.
This new record she's planning to put out is going to shift less records than Brandy's record did and Im just curious to know what label are going to sign after she wasted Universal's Time after dissapointing Virgin.
The League of Unextraordinary R'n'b Skeezes part 1.
Janet: Are we all present?
Alicia: Girl do a roll call.
Janet: Ok so Keri's here, Mya's here, Brandy's in traffic, Miss Harris is...here,Ashanti's in the kitchen, Alicia-hey girl, is that all? Where's Michelle?
Alicia: She just found out that she actually has an album worth buying so she won't be joining us anymore.
Janet: Whatever- that just means more cake for us. So in our last meeting we discussed what to do when your Twitter account is bombarded with hate mail from fans of she who shall not be named.
LaToya: Beyonce?!
Ashanti: Yes (inhales) Beyonce'- but LaToya why are you here- you need to have been relevant at one point and then a flop another to be a part of this league- you've never even opened up for anybody- Ciara how's that going?
Janet: Ciara you don't have to answer that. Anyway so today I have something to announce, we are going to GET Celestine, Keri could you please explain what happened to you at the BET awards. (Keri Hilson rises.)
Keri: So after my ass backwards peformance where I tried my best to sing and dance at the same time but ended up looking like my pussy was having a heart attack- I ran backstage to get changed into my outfit- when I got there i found Miss Celestine sitting in my dressing room, her left arm under her chin and her right arm clutching a revolver.
Mya: Shit- what happened?
Keri: She said something in Creole and then said "You want to me to make your face a little bit more colorful bitch", I was so afraid, then she said "Talk shit about my picne again and I will stick this gun so far up your ass you'll be spitting out bullets." Then she hissed and then she left.
Janet: So as you can see, Miss Celestine is going on dangerous, I knew her way back when she was Sheila E's understudy. I'll never forget the day she rammed a ten inch stilleto up Appollonia's ass for not putting enough seasoning in her Fruit Loops- she has to be dealt with.
Alicia: Before we go on- are any of you married? (All shake heads.) Ok- please go on Damita.
Janet: Every Thursday Miss Tina, Miss Turner and Miss Jay go out for drinks at Club Vouz Le Vouz, I know this because Jermaine works the night shift there- so here's what we're going to do, we're going to roll up in Mya's Hummer....
Mya: Repossesed.
Janet: We're going to roll up in Alicia's Hummer and kindap Miss Celestine and hold her for ransom and demand that that bitch daughter of hers retires so we can get a chance to get into the charts (hopefully)
Ashanti: I don't think this is a good idea- Miss Tina don't fuck about- look what she had done to Robyn.
Keri: She paid Chris to do it? Why? Because she thinks Robyn's competition?
Ashanti: No. Because she has a hatred for all Carribeans, who you think shot Bob Marley.
Ciara: Bob Marley wasn't shot.
Ashanti: Shut the fuck up you dick swinging smut.
Janet: Now Now girls, let's not fight- Ashanti I see where you're coming from but something needs to be done, we need someone on the inside to get close to her.
Alicia: Whatchu Tolm Bout Jo?
Janet: We need to go undercover in The Wig Crypt.
TBC.
Alicia: Girl do a roll call.
Janet: Ok so Keri's here, Mya's here, Brandy's in traffic, Miss Harris is...here,Ashanti's in the kitchen, Alicia-hey girl, is that all? Where's Michelle?
Alicia: She just found out that she actually has an album worth buying so she won't be joining us anymore.
Janet: Whatever- that just means more cake for us. So in our last meeting we discussed what to do when your Twitter account is bombarded with hate mail from fans of she who shall not be named.
LaToya: Beyonce?!
Ashanti: Yes (inhales) Beyonce'- but LaToya why are you here- you need to have been relevant at one point and then a flop another to be a part of this league- you've never even opened up for anybody- Ciara how's that going?
Janet: Ciara you don't have to answer that. Anyway so today I have something to announce, we are going to GET Celestine, Keri could you please explain what happened to you at the BET awards. (Keri Hilson rises.)
Keri: So after my ass backwards peformance where I tried my best to sing and dance at the same time but ended up looking like my pussy was having a heart attack- I ran backstage to get changed into my outfit- when I got there i found Miss Celestine sitting in my dressing room, her left arm under her chin and her right arm clutching a revolver.
Mya: Shit- what happened?
Keri: She said something in Creole and then said "You want to me to make your face a little bit more colorful bitch", I was so afraid, then she said "Talk shit about my picne again and I will stick this gun so far up your ass you'll be spitting out bullets." Then she hissed and then she left.
Janet: So as you can see, Miss Celestine is going on dangerous, I knew her way back when she was Sheila E's understudy. I'll never forget the day she rammed a ten inch stilleto up Appollonia's ass for not putting enough seasoning in her Fruit Loops- she has to be dealt with.
Alicia: Before we go on- are any of you married? (All shake heads.) Ok- please go on Damita.
Janet: Every Thursday Miss Tina, Miss Turner and Miss Jay go out for drinks at Club Vouz Le Vouz, I know this because Jermaine works the night shift there- so here's what we're going to do, we're going to roll up in Mya's Hummer....
Mya: Repossesed.
Janet: We're going to roll up in Alicia's Hummer and kindap Miss Celestine and hold her for ransom and demand that that bitch daughter of hers retires so we can get a chance to get into the charts (hopefully)
Ashanti: I don't think this is a good idea- Miss Tina don't fuck about- look what she had done to Robyn.
Keri: She paid Chris to do it? Why? Because she thinks Robyn's competition?
Ashanti: No. Because she has a hatred for all Carribeans, who you think shot Bob Marley.
Ciara: Bob Marley wasn't shot.
Ashanti: Shut the fuck up you dick swinging smut.
Janet: Now Now girls, let's not fight- Ashanti I see where you're coming from but something needs to be done, we need someone on the inside to get close to her.
Alicia: Whatchu Tolm Bout Jo?
Janet: We need to go undercover in The Wig Crypt.
TBC.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Oh No You Diddy'nt
1. Twitter takes away all the mystery that an artist once had from an artist.
2. You're shit at what you do.
I'll just get straight into it. Today as I was making my way to a friends party and sitting in a traffic, I put in the last Danity Kane record and realised that these bitches were damn good. So good that with the right management and direction they could have been an internationally respected group since The PussyCat Dolls have less artistic credibility than Milli Vanilli and Yung Berg put together.
But you see, when you're signed to Bad Boy all you are is a symbol, a symbol of Diddy's wealth, Diddy doesn't care whether the symbol is succesful or not- we know this because Cassie still has a job- but yes- all you are is a symbol of Diddy's "empire" when you are signed to Bad Boy.
The reason Diddy needs so many shows and artists is because without them people would be forced to actually evaluate his own credibility as a rapper, but because to mainstream media Diddy is one of the "fathers" of Hip Hop alongside Jay Z, mainstream media are never even going to bother questioning the pure foolishness which is Diddy's lyrical content because he such as a good "business man."
Now- if you want to talk about a good business man you don't have to look any further than Jay Z. You see- everyone knows Jay Z is talented whether or not some chump thinks he's an old ass nigger but like his wife- Jay Z has become more than just a good rapper- he's become an empire.
Look at the artists that he's signed:
Rihanna- The World's Biggest Pop Star.
Kanye- (Genius.)
Now Jay Z has his faults, dropping teenage girls without even having the decency to let them know himself but when he does work at something he gets it right, he's become so succesful that people dont even realise when his singles chart poorly like the singles he's released this year, but it's cool but he has artistic intergrity.
Diddy however is only good at marketing a caricature of himself- anyone remember when he tried to convince us he was from Harlem? You see- there is a name for people who come from wealthy circumstances but are ashamed of it:
Jackasses.
The only good thing Diddy is good at promoting are his external businesses- such as the clothing line and "cologne". If he was good at promoting his artists, Day 26 wouldn't be so familiar with the set of 106 and Park, Cassie wouldn't look like such a fool and Danity Kane would still be together.
And when it comes to the BIG movie.
What fuckery.
Trying to present Biggie Smalls as some unsuspecting rapper who got caught up in drama because of a huge "misunderstanding". You may have been able to fool his mother but you won't fool an audience who know how big your ego is.
Trying to convince a younger audience that Tupac was overreacting to situations obviously orchestrated by Biggie nothing short of filthy.
And so is trying to present Faith Evans as the angel to Lil Kim's devil.
Lil Kim may have been a hoe but Faith Evans was no nun, everyone knows that she was serving the kitty ice cold to Tupac and yet the film behaves as though "it was all a big misunderstanding".
Oh the fuckery.
You can't rap.
And any mystery you had died the second you signed up for Twitter because now people know that you know what they think about you- like how even Stephen Hawkins has a better flow than you.
Cassie:
Yes you can't sing.
And yes- everyone knows your little interracial pussy is the reason you're still signed but with the right management you could be a huge star, it's not like the lack vocal ability is holding any of these other bitches back.
With your look and your lifeless voice you could see your music enter the top ten and become a respected face.
You need to work on some POP MUSIC, where people unfortuenately don't expect much from their stars.
You need to get in the studio with cheap producers and high profile writers so you can save some money and use the money that you saved to put out 15 videos and singles to maximise the chances of you getting to number 1 on some chart.
That's what you need to do.
Day 26 (sigh) Get rid of the fat one. Put in a slim one, get new management, get a new label and be the amazing men that you are.
Red Cafe- you stay where you are. You belong where you are.
2. You're shit at what you do.
I'll just get straight into it. Today as I was making my way to a friends party and sitting in a traffic, I put in the last Danity Kane record and realised that these bitches were damn good. So good that with the right management and direction they could have been an internationally respected group since The PussyCat Dolls have less artistic credibility than Milli Vanilli and Yung Berg put together.
But you see, when you're signed to Bad Boy all you are is a symbol, a symbol of Diddy's wealth, Diddy doesn't care whether the symbol is succesful or not- we know this because Cassie still has a job- but yes- all you are is a symbol of Diddy's "empire" when you are signed to Bad Boy.
The reason Diddy needs so many shows and artists is because without them people would be forced to actually evaluate his own credibility as a rapper, but because to mainstream media Diddy is one of the "fathers" of Hip Hop alongside Jay Z, mainstream media are never even going to bother questioning the pure foolishness which is Diddy's lyrical content because he such as a good "business man."
Now- if you want to talk about a good business man you don't have to look any further than Jay Z. You see- everyone knows Jay Z is talented whether or not some chump thinks he's an old ass nigger but like his wife- Jay Z has become more than just a good rapper- he's become an empire.
Look at the artists that he's signed:
Rihanna- The World's Biggest Pop Star.
Kanye- (Genius.)
Now Jay Z has his faults, dropping teenage girls without even having the decency to let them know himself but when he does work at something he gets it right, he's become so succesful that people dont even realise when his singles chart poorly like the singles he's released this year, but it's cool but he has artistic intergrity.
Diddy however is only good at marketing a caricature of himself- anyone remember when he tried to convince us he was from Harlem? You see- there is a name for people who come from wealthy circumstances but are ashamed of it:
Jackasses.
The only good thing Diddy is good at promoting are his external businesses- such as the clothing line and "cologne". If he was good at promoting his artists, Day 26 wouldn't be so familiar with the set of 106 and Park, Cassie wouldn't look like such a fool and Danity Kane would still be together.
And when it comes to the BIG movie.
What fuckery.
Trying to present Biggie Smalls as some unsuspecting rapper who got caught up in drama because of a huge "misunderstanding". You may have been able to fool his mother but you won't fool an audience who know how big your ego is.
Trying to convince a younger audience that Tupac was overreacting to situations obviously orchestrated by Biggie nothing short of filthy.
And so is trying to present Faith Evans as the angel to Lil Kim's devil.
Lil Kim may have been a hoe but Faith Evans was no nun, everyone knows that she was serving the kitty ice cold to Tupac and yet the film behaves as though "it was all a big misunderstanding".
Oh the fuckery.
You can't rap.
And any mystery you had died the second you signed up for Twitter because now people know that you know what they think about you- like how even Stephen Hawkins has a better flow than you.
Cassie:
Yes you can't sing.
And yes- everyone knows your little interracial pussy is the reason you're still signed but with the right management you could be a huge star, it's not like the lack vocal ability is holding any of these other bitches back.
With your look and your lifeless voice you could see your music enter the top ten and become a respected face.
You need to work on some POP MUSIC, where people unfortuenately don't expect much from their stars.
You need to get in the studio with cheap producers and high profile writers so you can save some money and use the money that you saved to put out 15 videos and singles to maximise the chances of you getting to number 1 on some chart.
That's what you need to do.
Day 26 (sigh) Get rid of the fat one. Put in a slim one, get new management, get a new label and be the amazing men that you are.
Red Cafe- you stay where you are. You belong where you are.
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